Lonliness

I have been doing a whole lot of work -- started up therapy again with a woman who sees right through me and is really wise. I have come to known where I've fallen short, or where I've decieved myself -- but most of all, where I've underestimated myself and shortchanged myself. I am really proud and happy of my progress, even if I don't feel that way today.

Today, I am lonely. I am lonely for people I don't know. People I who I'm not sure even exist. I am lonely for a man who will love me the way I am, despite my battle with distorted thinking. Someone who I can partner with, who can remind me when I am a little crazy, who sees right through me, who enjoys my company and lets me know. Someone who will play with me -- I don't mean in the dirty sense, but in the childlike sense. Someone who is really enthusiastic about experiencing life with me. Witnessing new things and old miracles. Watching time pass, being silly, being serious, being sad.

I am lonely for family that is warm and compassionate and accepting. Family that cares about how I really feel and think. Family able to detatch and not take my ever move personally, and family who I am able to detatch from and feel independent of. Family that doesn't suck me in, tie me down, scare me, or make me angry.

I am lonely for my self - the self that prays every morning and night, who does her chores and isn't afraid to face the day. The self that is secure in her own self-understanding and love. She makes her own supper and does't depend on anyone do get things done for her -- all without exhausting herself. I am lonley for the person in me who can set boundaries and stick to them with courage and determination.

I am lonely for a friend who knows these things too. Who can see how hard it is for me, who pushes me but loves me too. Someone who doesn't try to fix it or change it, but is happy to see me overcome and conquer just the same. Someone with good ideas, imaginitive, again-- someone who will play. A friend who would rather talk about wonderful places and people than gossip about horrible people and uncomfortable, scary places. Someone who speaks the truth, but with kindness. A courageous, independent, positive, but sensitive person. Someone creative and awesome.

I want to be specail to someone, to be wanted, and to be cherished. I don't know why this is important to me, and I know that even when I have been that special to someone I have been too blind to even see it. So it makes me think that such a desire is worthless and silly, yet still I have it. Maybe I was right all along, and the one person who I believe did want me and cherish me didn't really, and it was about something alltogether different. Sick people tend to make friends with other sick people, so what's to say it was all my thinking and not his too? Maybe I'm just there to make him feel better, and while he appreciated it in his own way, it never was real love and I should have trusted myself from the beginning. Maybe I am just making all this up because I feel very sorry that I am not wanted by this person any longer.

You know, just a moment ago I was musng: "I wonder, I should ask him-- what could I do to get him to want me again?" And then I thought of my relationship with my mom, and how with all of my clever analysis, I have never been able to do anything to keep her love in the way I needed it. I realized quite quickly -- within five minutes or so, that this was unhealthy thinking and it wasn't about what I could do. It IS or it ISN'T - one of the few things that are black and white: someone loving you for who you are. There really is no inbetween.

I learned this from someone who I cared for once -- I didn't love him for exactly who he was, and tried to love him all the same. It didn't work, and he was able to share this wisdom with me: I'm hoping to find someone who I love like I love you, but who loves me back without exception exactly as I am." It shocked me at first, to realize that I hadn't loved him as he was -- and that trying to be more than just a good friend was really really really selfish, silly, and maybe a little codependent. I know his journey to that discovery was really painful, so I won't expect anything different from mine.

But the reality is: I am lonely, and I want to be loved.

-

Broken broken broken broken broken broken broken.

Deal Breakers.

I have entered into a cycle of confusing self defeating thought and behavior. I clearly documented my experiences in my former relationship, and over time came to a conclusion that at the time I felt was unavoidable. The deal was broken. After some denial and avoidance, I freaked out. I got angry. I chose to act out in response to my fear, anger, frustration, and sadness. Immediately following that experience, I fell apart. I felt like I was crumbling inside. I felt ashamed, desperate, and lonely. I remembered all of the strengths of our relationship, and then I remembered the reason why I chose to end it. My confidence now in ruin, my judgment now in question... I started asking the question of whether or not I was wrong to have left him.

I was incredibly close to marriage. He appreciate me creatively, had a beautiful and stunning mind, had a brilliant imagination... he was kind, had integrity. He did do sweet things. But he kept his home in a state that disturbed me when I was there. There were key moments when I felt like I wasn't appreciated, wasn't worth the effort to do romantic and surprising things. I wonder if these moments resulted from my perfectionism or unhealthy expectations, or if they were legitimate criticisms.

I don't really have to ask this question seriously, because I remember enough to know that there were real problems. The real question was: could he change? Was he working on it? How important are those issues really? And if it's true that these issues really are deal breakers -- then why am I so devastated by this loss?

Was it that I trusted him, and the deal breaker ended up with me feeling less disgusted than abandoned, and that reopened a pretty serious wound from the past? Was it that I was so close to marriage (and presumably family with children, which I desperately want)? There is this nagging feeling I have that makes me ask myself why this ever became so complicated to begin with. The central conflicts were so simple, and maybe that's why I find them so devastating. It still keeps me in a state of disbelief. How could someone let these things get to such a point? And if it does, by some misstep or miscalculation of your life, then why not make some changes as soon as you realize it? In this case, it was seriously a matter of spending two-four consecutive hours armed with a plan and some basic cleaning supplies. Or it was about facing a bout of laziness or mild discomfort to take the love of your life to a fireworks show (that presumably we both would have loved). It's so stupid, I feel like I must have some kind of issue with being overly critical that these petty things would matter. At the same time, if these are such simple things to manage, then there is no logical justification for why there is a deficit in this department. What to do? Read? Go to therapy? Go to meetings? I guess so.

In the meantime, feeling lonely and vulnerable is not fun.

Mourning

Love is not a feeling.

Love creates a feeling as a result of actions taken by the person doing the loving, or the person receiving the loving.

Love is not like. Love is not fondness, infatuation, attraction, being keen on... It's none of those things. Love is behavior. Love is something that exists outside yourself.

Love is not something you can lay claim to without evidence in action. You cannot honestly nor accurately say that you love some one when the person has not been the benefactor of loving actions. You can not love some one from the other side of the world without tremendous self-sacrifice and a lot of money.

St. Theresa did not say "I love the little orphans" and then go on to live a cloistered life spending a small portion of her time serving them. She spent her life, risked her health, and dedicated all her efforts to the service of those she loved.

Love is not kissing someone. Love is not sex. Love is not thinking fondly of someone.

Love is cleaning your house because it'll make all the other people who live in it comfortable and safe. Love is paying attention to needs and doing your best, when you are able, to meet those needs even if it isn't fun or easy. Love is without ego. Love is not prideful. Love is not lazy.

The only kind of love that conquers all is perfect love -- love is like hard and grueling work. Love is not a walk on a sandy beach, nor is it a romantic picnic under a moonlit summer sky. Those things are merely celebrations of love, or they are charades -- they are something more sinister-- they masquerade as love to those without discerning hearts and wisdom.

Do not, do NOT, DO NOT say "I love you." It is worthless. It is all a vanity. If you love, then you DO, you do not say. Words are meaningless. You cannot make an argument for love. You cannot prove love with logic.

When shakespeare wrote his sonnets, he was not speaking. He was giving. He was giving the world, or his beloved, or perhaps himself a gift. He was an intensley creative man. To create takes great effort and discipline, and to create for some one else is ten times harder than if you would create for yourself. To write a sonnet or a poem, to make a piece of art or to write a piece of music for someone else is an act of love because it is an act of creation, a giving of a piece of yourself, giving of your time and talents... provided you don't do a half-assed and shitty job. Just like every other action under the sun, this one can be judged by motive.

When someone prepares their home for you, they are loving you. They are creating a place for you to be comfortable. A sight and smell for your eyes to enjoy. They are sharing their space, their possessions, their freedoms with you. They are paying for your well-being.

When someone surprises you, they are loving you. They have taken the time to watch you unselfishly. They have taken the time to CREATE a plan, to provide you with joy, entertainment, and perhaps something more.

When someone stays home to care for you because you are sick, they are loving you. When your parents let you sit in jail overnight for a DUI, they are loving you. When they take away the internet, or keep you from dating a particular guy... they are very likely in the midst of loving you.

But when they give you candy to stop crying, or bail you out, or pay your fines... or when a man gives you flowers after a fight, or writes a letter after you dump him... or when your husband gives you a speech and outlines how he has loved you, or your boyfriend presents every argument... or when a man tells you you're pretty -- DO NOT for one minute believe you are being loved. Maybe you are being appreciated, manipulated, placated, bribed, convinced, lied to, or liked... but you are not being loved.

Love lost.

So I got to thinking, as I often do, about losses. First it started with a conversation. I had called my Grandmother on the phone, as I do often, to inquire about my Grandpa's upcoming doctor appointments. We talked a bit, and I mentioned my Father and got to talking about a situation that happened a couple of months ago, and how I basically said my final "goodbye" to him in a matter-of-fact e-mail. Then I got home, told my mom about how I deleted a friend from my facebook friends lists for being a "rasty moron," and went on to check MySpace and all that other internet crap to see whats going on with my "world." I thought about my ex, who had posted some new blogs... which I read, and was kinda shocked by.

I realized that I haven't really done much about the break-up. I haven't really cried it out -- and I wonder what that's about? I loved- or continue to love him, and I remember being so heartbroken a multitude of times when he failed to meet some of my most basic needs and expectations... So why is it that now that its all over with do I sit here in a kind of blank indifference? Same thing with my Father. I cried over some of the terrible things he said to me, and over being abandoned once, and over the stress of having to make the choice of whether or not to see him again... but I never cried about the loss. I figured that was because I had cried about the loss before -- when it actually happened. But it comes up, often times, in recovery (or out of recovery, when I am being delinquint) how seriously affected I have been by the loss, and that really, this loss left some huge gaping hole in my heart that a few tears and some acknowledgement haven't been able to heal -- or even hasten the healing.

So here is this guy... that I spend a fair amount of time either thinking negative things about, or ignorning all together, that I once loved for about a year and four months of my life. A guy who I really thought I was going to marry -- and who even after the break-up I'd have dreams or childish thoughts about (such as "I wonder if he'll donate his sperm so I can have a child with his genetic information?"). Yeah. Totally freaky stuff. I think about his family sometimes, and that makes me really sad... I miss them. I worry a lot about what they think of me. I felt so at home with them.

Most of all though, once I start thinking about it... I'm still angry. Totally and completely enraged (that is when I am not in denial or avoidance)! I mean seriously... Here is a smart, creative, passionate, spiritual guy who is fun to be with... but so lazy he can't even keep his home even moderately clean. He hasn't hired someone to compensate... he's tardy and truant and absent from his son's life, so much so that I've forgotten he's supposedly a "father" many times (not to mention how angry this makes me due to me projecting my experience with MY father onto the situation), and he's lazy with his relationship with God... and worst of all, lazy with me. I seriously loved the guy! I thought he was really cute, even though he was a little chubbier than I would've liked. I could deal with that if I knew he was living a healthy lifestyle, and I could even deal with cheating the healthy lifestyle thing if it weren't for all the other utter failures.

A mature person, in my mind, is one who 1.) Knows their skills and talents and has/is working on getting a job that takes advantage of them, especially when they have some of the resources to make that happen. If not, they should have some kind of hobby that makes use of these things. 2) Can keep their home clean, their bills paid, and their personal responsibilities cared for. 3) Is a dedicated participant in a relationship with a higher power -- AND is in dedicated relationships with friends and family, doing such things as sending gifts, offering comfort, making some small sacrafices, appreciating, etc...

What good are you as a person and to the world if you can't make use of yourself in a meaningful way, if you don't care for yourself and what you have, and you are one-sided and ineffective in your relationships? More importantly, what business did I have dating somebody who was like this? Maybe this is why I don't mourn... because I feel stupid for having been in a situation with someone like this and not knowing it until a whole year later.

Alone.

For lack of proper memorization of the bible, and for tired eyes, I am going to grossly paraphrase something that Jesus said. That basically, we who follow Him and his ways will be hated, like he was. It's difficult for me to accept this and apply it to my own life, because first of all, if this were true, then it would mean I was doing a good job of following in His footsteps. Perhaps not -- perhaps the Spirit has made me able. At any rate, it seems like too much an honor, too much a blessing, too self-focused to claim such a thing.

But I do feel hated right now. Not hated as in... say someone throwing rocks at me, or telling me to my face they wish I'd rot. But slowly now I've began to lose friends. Some, because I realize the type of people they are and their values strike such a stark contrast to my own, and I feel false and intimidated in their presence. Some because they are selfish, sick, lazy, or rude, and I simply don't wish to enable them or reward them for such behavior (and because I don't want to be a victim). Some, I'm afraid, I've actually offended and scared off by being more vocal lately.

I am still debating whether or not calling my best friend out on some blatant lies he believed about himself was right or not. I am trying really hard to depart from advice giving, and also trying to discipline my tongue. There was something so infuriating about that conversation with him, though... because at first it was an outright confession to a specific type of detrimental behavior. Something I am quite familiar with. Codependency, actually... here's a talented, creative, hillarious, kind and intelligent young man trying to convince himself he is happy to throw away whatever dreams and aspirations he might have for his overbearing, alcholic father and his (likely equally codependent) mother. I used to think it a sweet thing that he would jump at the chance to help a person. A real kind guy, I thought. Someone with compassion. Until he'd do things for people he never wanted to do, or end up in situations where he was being used. He's tired, feels like a failure, but still - the over-arching theme is "I must please others." He hasn't the slightest idea of how to do otherwise. So we had a conversation about this, it came about by me sharing my struggles and him asking more about codependency. As I described the charactersitics, he said, "that's me, but I don't think it's bad." So I pointed out how he had, at numerous points in his life, suffered greatly for his codependent beliefs. I simply retold many of the memories I had of times that he had been hurt, even devistated by his dependence on approval. He would agree, but continue to make excuses. All I'd do is point out where he was lying to himself and attempt to end the conversation. Here I am needing to fix him, and here he is needing me to approve of him. Well I didn't fix him, and he never got me to approve... so here we are in an awkward situation of a fairly fractured relationship.

I think in more ways than can be accounted for by this conversation. There were issues in the past about unrequieted love... and now my realization that perhaps the reason we had such a strong bond was because we were and are both rediculously codependent.

The next friend I scared off is a great intellectual friend of mine, who as it turns out, is insufferably liberal (from my perspective). There is this giantic divergence of thought, to the point where we are both disgusted with the idea that anyone could see the world from such a perspective as the other. This is hard for me, because I don't want to be elietist or stubborn or self-obsessed or self-righteous or arrogant or whatever it is that people are when they believe so strongly in something that they cannot be persuaded otherwise. There are times in history when this has been a good thing... and times when it has been bad. How the hell will I ever know if I am actually right or wrong? All I can do is use the brain I have in the ways I know, and in the ways it works, and trust in what makes sense to me after I've made my own careful analysis of the situation.

I don't believe in just throwing my values to the wind and tolerating every last thing that floats by. I doubt even those who tout the fairness doctrine or tolerence in its purest form would either. There are folks who think Christianity is absurd, and other folks who think conservatism is absurd, and folks who think alien spaceships and those who believe they've been inside one before are absurd. And some of those people are deciples of fairness and tolerence. No. I want nothing to do with it. That's right -- nothing.

I'll go with love and respect, human dignity, and other Christian principles. Justice... mercy... compassion... sacrafice. But not blind tolerence, and not "fairness" (which is totally relative anyway). Those who say tolerence and fairness are Christian principles, in my mind, are totally misinformed and may want to go back to reading their bibles on a fundamental level -- something which I need to do as well. Perhaps I am out of whack and have no idea about anything... but then, that'd be me, and I can't be anything but (so I've discovered). To thine own self be true, as Shakespeare said.

Personal Fulfillment

I wrote a letter to a Christian leader recently, with many questions, and I was met with a fairly unexpected reply. That I should become involved within a ministry and see how I can meet the needs of the community, rather than concern myself with how the community might meet my needs.

Why this wasn't clear to me from the beginning, I do not know. I am convicted of the fact of my self service. But I can't say that this is the entire picture. One of the things I am learning throughout my journey and struggle with codependency, is that it is right and essential to take responsibility for yourself, and to find a way to get your needs met. The reality is, I have needs. Spiritual, emotional, intellectual -- and my relationship with a Church must be a two way street. Otherwise what happens? I expend all my energy in service only to find myself exhausted, potentially victimized or taken advantage of, or simply empty. I am of the opinion that if people fall away from the Church, this is probably why. The reality is, that while the Church has a responsibility to take care of its community (of which I would be a part of), it cannot always do this well, or to the level that an individual might need. It still comes down to the individual's responsibility for themselves and their well being -- even their rightness with God.

So on some level I absolutely MUST ask the question of "are my needs being met?" or "will my needs be met?" and then figure out what exactly the Church's role ought to be in relation to my particular need. I have no issue at all recognizing my skills and abilities, and making them fully available to those who need and want them. When I determine that I am in a safe, healthy, right place, then I can commit to extending charity.

Is this selfish? Does this fly in the face of sacrifice? Jesus just served, didn't he? On the other hand, he did seem to take care of what he needed to do. For instance, he would take rests, or pray, or pay visits, or retreat when he needed to. The story of Mary and Martha is another example of this. One woman needed to listen to Jesus, the other felt compelled to clean. There was conflict, but Jesus basically shared that they should not be concerned with one another's choices, or that they should be more sensitive. Two people may experience different needs, and the necessity to behave in a particular fashion is relative to multiple factors.

The internal conflict which sparked these responses and thoughts has been something I have been working on understanding for a while, and wrestling with most recently. I feel called to ministry, or seminary of some form. I do not feel that I need to become a Church leader, or that it is even my calling... In fact, there is a whole lot I do not know. Here is what I do know, however.

First, I am compelled to serve God.
Second, I am dedicated to serve in truth, with humility, to the best of my ability so help me God.
Third, I am a gifted artist and writer.
Fourth, I am a woman, and my options for a paid position within the Church are seriously limited, especially when considering the denominations I am most interested in currently.
Fifth, I must be financially responsible. I have debts to pay for my college education, and must be able to support myself in the future. As an American, the experience of being a "stay at home mom" is currently extremely rare, and in most cases, financially impossible.
Sixth, I enjoy working. Working teaches me more then leisure, I want to contribute to the world I live in.
Seventh, I am compassionate and loving.
Eighth, I am human, am aware of my fallen state, and am committed to growing spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually in a healthy, Godly way.
Ninth, I believe in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, the son of God, his virgin birth, suffering, death, and resurrection, as it is described in the Nicene Creed.
Tenth, I want my work to be Christ centered. I do not wish to divide my time between secularism and Christianity.

So, for the million dollar question... where do I belong and what do I do with my life? The answer for now... keep asking questions, live one day at a time, and in the long term... finish school. :)

A full month

Discipline slips away from me, or I away from it... Meditative mornings are no more. Bedtimes fluctuate, the Bible opens less frequently than closet doors. Though I did open to the Psalms not long ago. What must it take to seriously convince me that these things are more than a multivitamin for my soul? Seriously. How many times to I have to struggle with loneliness or helplessness or confusion or abuse or God knows what else before I can commit to a functioning relationship with God?

"Progress, not perfection." I remind myself. At least today I am acutely aware of what I need, and in more than a few small ways have been making more progress than I tend to recognize. I am reading for pleasure, despite the commitments of work and school. I am listening to public, conservative, and christian radio... which for some reason is soothing despite the controversy. I am going to meetings and loving the transformation I see in other people, making great friends... loving the question of "what it means to be human" (probably the one oddball thing out of all my time at North Park that still follows me every day). I am happy not to be one of those people that falls and gets stuck in tar -- it's been a series of skinned knees for me, some worse than others. Lately, more like bumps and bruises.

I am encouraged!

Today I am grateful for recovery, good books, wise people, the love of God, personal boundaries, and my adorable hamster Dexter.

The Lord Is My Shepherd

A Psalm of David.

23:1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters. [1]
3 He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness [2]
for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, [3]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely [4] goodness and mercy [5] shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell [6] in the house of the Lord
forever. [7]

...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

7 A woman from Samaria came to draw water. Jesus said to her, “Give me a drink.” 8 (For his disciples had gone away into the city to buy food.) 9 The Samaritan woman said to him, “How is it that you, a Jew, ask for a drink from me, a woman of Samaria?” (For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans.) 10 Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.” 11 The woman said to him, “Sir, you have nothing to draw water with, and the well is deep. Where do you get that living water? 12 Are you greater than our father Jacob? He gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did his sons and his livestock.” 13 Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. [2] The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” 15 The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water, so that I will not be thirsty or have to come here to draw water.”

...

He Reigns, Newsboys:

It’s the song of the redeemed
Rising from the African plain
It’s the song of the forgiven
Drowning out the Amazon rain
The song of Asian believers
Filled with God’s holy fire
It’s every tribe, every tongue, every nation
A love song born of a grateful choir

It’s all God’s children singing
Glory, glory, hallelujah
He reigns, He reigns
It’s all God’s children singing
Glory, glory, hallelujah
He reigns, He reigns

Let it rise about the four winds
Caught up in the heavenly sound
Let praises echo from the towers of cathedrals
To the faithful gathered underground
Of all the songs sung from the dawn of creation
Some were meant to persist
Of all the bells rung from a thousand steeples
None rings truer than this

And all the powers of darkness
Tremble at what they’ve just heard
‘Cause all the powers of darkness
Can’t drown out a single word

When all God’s children sing out
Glory, glory, hallelujah
He reigns, He reigns
All God’s people singing
Glory, glory, hallelujah
He reigns, He reigns

A Dark Day

It's quite fitting that it be overcast today. That's just the kind of darkness that I'm experiencing. No rain or thunder, no eclipse or dark of night... just a general feeling of gloom. I've shared the notion of getting rid of my computer and going for a laptop instead just to get rid of the temptation to game or spend all my time on the computer with a few of my friends, and was met with a fairly unexpected response. Not unfamiliar, but unexpected. One was really critical, and the other was some mix of enthusiastic support and indifference, if that is even possible. It's not really important what my friends think, or if it is somehow an offensive action for me to choose to get rid of my PC, but it would be excellent to know more people making the kinds of changes I am, or maybe having relationships with people who understood me deeply.

I guess that is what God is for, and this is why I am even considering these choices. To be closer to the only being in the entire universe that can possibly love me fully, who knows why I think, and who despite my flaws and failures, chooses to comfort and nurture me. All of this is fairly irrelevant to why today is gloomy... Mostly because I chose to stay up all night talking to a friend, which for the most part was pleasant until we somehow got to the subject of codependency. He suggested he might be, so we read the patterns of codependency and it all went downhill from there. First he would say, "yeah that sounds just like me." and then he'd say "but I don't see a problem, if people weren't like this I'd probably hate them." So it was really incredibly apparent that he deeply believed a lot of his codependent behaviors were valuable, and that they weren't causing any problems. I pointed out all the problems that I knew of, and he made excuses for all of them. So I simply said, "Well, that's fine then. There are consequences either way, codependent or not, and it's your choice as to which you'd rather suffer through. But if there is anything you do, buy that book and keep it under your bed or something just so you have it if and when the day ever comes that you are in over your head." He seemed to want to continue to justify things to me, maybe because he knows I am in recovery for this very pattern of behavior -- and thus my approval of him and his choices is missing in some respects, and that is how he feels love (at least partially).

The bottom line is I really don't know what is going on with him, other than that I see so many of his actions as having total disregard for his own well being and totally ruled and dominated by a bunch of people in his life that don't exactly have his best interests in mind -- or can't really know what's good and right for him because they are not walking the earth in his shoes. This makes me deeply sad. Deeply sad. I so appreciate this man's talent and perspective, and I genuinely feel that if these things are not choked out completely by the weeds of codependency, they will still lack the room to blossom and he'll end up looking back with regret and sorrow, or worse, a belief that he never would have made it anyway or that he didn't have the talent or the personality to begin with.

All this reminds me of my own codependency and how important it is to keep working, lest I lose my zest for life permanently and become a marionette in the hands of children.

I'm happy to be alive.

And this is something I am grateful for, among many other little things in my life of late. For me, it is something of a minor miracle to be able to say that with confidence. I've never really been suicidal or anything so scary, but I have always been the kind of person that whispers to herself: "Why me?" or presses the sleep button five or six times before facing the day. I still struggle with depression and fear among other things... but in week five of my recovery from codependency and multiple addictions, I am finally in a place where despite the world, I want to live.

I am seeing clearly -- all of the wonderful, beautiful aspects of my life. Who God has grown me to become, despite so many terrible circumstances. I want to see this process through. I want to experience God's love in every way possible, and take full advantage of the opportunities He has given me. I want to see others do the same. But most of all - I don't want to be controlled by the world. I don't want to be driven insane by my circumstances. I don't want to be the victim. I don't want to be at the mercy of my friend's and family. I don't want to wake up and look at my life and start to get sick.

And for the most part, I haven't. I stood up for myself and made some boundaries, I chose not to go to Oregon to visit my grandparents, and inevitably, my father. Why? Because despite having not seen them, and the offer to pay for my plane fare... it was evident to me that they didn't respect what I had been through as a child. They don't care about my mental and spiritual well being, and, it is really clear by their words and actions that the purpose of me going out there is to relieve guilt or shame on their part, and you know what? I don't live my life like that. I don't associate with those kinds of people. It's okay that I'm sad about all the things that happened in my life. It's okay that I think my dad is a dirtbag and want nothing to do with him. I'm not about to start fights, and in actuality, I am working toward a really sincere forgiveness because I do not want to be (see above!) a victim! I certainly do not need to go alone to be with people I barely know, who have demonstrated their carelessness and selfishness, especially during a time that is incredibly inconvenient for me.

I'm glad that I could make the call and say "NO." That I took the power, AND the responsibility for my own health and happiness.

Lacking.

I confess, I did not meditate this morning. It is something that must be done before bed, however. I am greatful for today. I spent it with my brother, got to do a little shopping and ended up getting a great deal on some clothing for a new job I *may* possibly be getting, or else it will be good for the future when I interview and eventually land a more professional job.

Aristotle Said...

The aim of art is to represent
not the outward appearance of things,
but their inward significance,
and this,
and not the external manner and detail,
is true reality."
Aristotle

"You can be healed
You can be free
You can know peace
Never be afraid again"

-Excerpt from Plumb - Phobic.

Christian Meditation

...Comes in four steps.

The first is affecive reading. We purposely pick a verse, section, or chapter, and we read it. The second step is to contemplate what you have read. Think about it seriously. What does it mean? What is it saying? The third step is to pray. Talk to God and ask him to reveal his truth, ask questions, share your interpretation. The last step is to sit quietly with the Lord, to be in his presence.

Ideally, one will meditate three times a day. Once upon waking, once sometime during the day to reconnect with God (say, lunch), and again just before bed. I am going to attempt this... Mid-day and night will be significantly shorter periods of meditation, I'm sure, as my main focus will be to spend the morning reading, thinking, praying, and waiting in the Lord.

I want to try journaling as a type of meditation, perhaps this will come at night just before bed. I also have several little books of passages or proverbs -- daily meditations if you will. I will find time at lunch or thereabouts to sit down, read, pray, and wait.

The crystal caverns.

It seems the most accurate visualization of where I am mentally at the moment to describe a cavern filled with crystals. There has to be some light source, but not one that comes from somewhere obvious. I feel like I am getting somewhere, that I am obviously walking in the right direction... but on every side of me I am accosted by reflections of light, pictures of myself, or distractions.

I have been self aware for a long time. I was called an "old soul" by my guidance counselor during the single semester of high school I attended. I have had open and candid conversations with many people, some perhaps that were inappropriate. The fact is, it is not actually difficult for me to share things about myself. I like to know what my problems are, so I look for them. Sometimes I even make them up. How is it then that I fall into the habit of denying other issues, or being completely unaware of some of my most influential character defects?

I am, hopefully, starting recovery. I've said that before. I've gone to meetings before, I've even quit school and moved home in hopes of taking care of my responsibility to myself. Still nothing. Just a failed relationship and a whole lot of stress to speak of. I'm acting out in the typical way, trying to find someone to love me, or someone that I can focus my attention on. My mind has been taken over with obsessive and constant thinking -- I am obsessed with pinpointing every problem, every failure, every screw up and coming up with some plan to fix it, or trying simply to understand why it exists. Not just my own, but the issues of every person I come in contact with.

Some mix of extreme codependency and extreme denial and distraction. The reality is there is a whole lot of fear. I can look backward to my most recent relationship and see where I was hopelessly codependent where before I thought there was no problem. The most frustrating thing is that while my mother is mostly helpful, she is also too consumed with my own decisions to recognize the difference between my being nitpicky due to issues of codependency and control, and me genuinely having to be concerned about an issue -- and she can't seem to conceptualize why I seem to be so confused all the time.