Love lost.

So I got to thinking, as I often do, about losses. First it started with a conversation. I had called my Grandmother on the phone, as I do often, to inquire about my Grandpa's upcoming doctor appointments. We talked a bit, and I mentioned my Father and got to talking about a situation that happened a couple of months ago, and how I basically said my final "goodbye" to him in a matter-of-fact e-mail. Then I got home, told my mom about how I deleted a friend from my facebook friends lists for being a "rasty moron," and went on to check MySpace and all that other internet crap to see whats going on with my "world." I thought about my ex, who had posted some new blogs... which I read, and was kinda shocked by.

I realized that I haven't really done much about the break-up. I haven't really cried it out -- and I wonder what that's about? I loved- or continue to love him, and I remember being so heartbroken a multitude of times when he failed to meet some of my most basic needs and expectations... So why is it that now that its all over with do I sit here in a kind of blank indifference? Same thing with my Father. I cried over some of the terrible things he said to me, and over being abandoned once, and over the stress of having to make the choice of whether or not to see him again... but I never cried about the loss. I figured that was because I had cried about the loss before -- when it actually happened. But it comes up, often times, in recovery (or out of recovery, when I am being delinquint) how seriously affected I have been by the loss, and that really, this loss left some huge gaping hole in my heart that a few tears and some acknowledgement haven't been able to heal -- or even hasten the healing.

So here is this guy... that I spend a fair amount of time either thinking negative things about, or ignorning all together, that I once loved for about a year and four months of my life. A guy who I really thought I was going to marry -- and who even after the break-up I'd have dreams or childish thoughts about (such as "I wonder if he'll donate his sperm so I can have a child with his genetic information?"). Yeah. Totally freaky stuff. I think about his family sometimes, and that makes me really sad... I miss them. I worry a lot about what they think of me. I felt so at home with them.

Most of all though, once I start thinking about it... I'm still angry. Totally and completely enraged (that is when I am not in denial or avoidance)! I mean seriously... Here is a smart, creative, passionate, spiritual guy who is fun to be with... but so lazy he can't even keep his home even moderately clean. He hasn't hired someone to compensate... he's tardy and truant and absent from his son's life, so much so that I've forgotten he's supposedly a "father" many times (not to mention how angry this makes me due to me projecting my experience with MY father onto the situation), and he's lazy with his relationship with God... and worst of all, lazy with me. I seriously loved the guy! I thought he was really cute, even though he was a little chubbier than I would've liked. I could deal with that if I knew he was living a healthy lifestyle, and I could even deal with cheating the healthy lifestyle thing if it weren't for all the other utter failures.

A mature person, in my mind, is one who 1.) Knows their skills and talents and has/is working on getting a job that takes advantage of them, especially when they have some of the resources to make that happen. If not, they should have some kind of hobby that makes use of these things. 2) Can keep their home clean, their bills paid, and their personal responsibilities cared for. 3) Is a dedicated participant in a relationship with a higher power -- AND is in dedicated relationships with friends and family, doing such things as sending gifts, offering comfort, making some small sacrafices, appreciating, etc...

What good are you as a person and to the world if you can't make use of yourself in a meaningful way, if you don't care for yourself and what you have, and you are one-sided and ineffective in your relationships? More importantly, what business did I have dating somebody who was like this? Maybe this is why I don't mourn... because I feel stupid for having been in a situation with someone like this and not knowing it until a whole year later.