A day of beauty.

In a discussion amongst peers on Sunday we tackled the questions of life, and asked ourselves when it was most meaningful, and when it was least. I have had several moments when life was seemingly meaningless, but judging from the energy I've spent on trying to turn those moments around, and trying to figure out the various "whys" and "hows," I cannot say that life was truly meaningless, or even that it felt that way. "Darkness" has always been the word I've used.

But all that brings us not a bit closer to the point, which is that there were times that I felt like like was so precious, if it could be counted on to stay that way forever, I would genuinely want to live forever. I told my peers about a time when an artist friend of mine came up from his big city to Milwaukee, my "big" city. We went to the art museum, and spent a lot of time talking about what we loved or hated, where our art was, what we thought of people in our lives, and the future. We had lunch, and we talked about our fears and the creative process. Lunch was at Alterra by the Lake, which means we had some awesome sandwiches. Then we got in the car and drove up north to a holy site, a monestary, the Basilica of Holy Hill.

The rolling hills, caused by glacier movement during the ice-age, are absolutely stunning. It was a cool summer day, an explosion of green everywhere. Beautiful skies, the sun was bright and mellow. We passed forests, marshes, streams, ponds, and lakes. The drive itself was just invigorating and breathtaking. Holy hill was a sight too. It was under construction, but still there was something so majestic about it. (Whenever I am in places like this, I am immediately convinced I want to be a nun. In fact, after coming home I did a whole lot of research on monastic life and even found a protestant monastery nearby to visit, which I have yet to do.) I am not catholic, but the place still moved me. There was something about this trip that was both deeply spiritual, and also deeply personal for me.

Until the discussion during class and some of the efforts I've made to analyze and understand my thinking and my identity, I would never have known why this was such a tremendous experience for me. First and foremost, it was one of the first times in my life that I made choices to spend the day with someone I wanted to know better, doing things that I by nature love to do. It wasn't a compromise, and it wasn't about simple entertainment. It was real living at its finest, and my ability to articulate what I wanted out of life at this moment in time was beyond my level of understanding (this is something I have had trouble with -- embracing what I desire). The second thing is that the entire journey was just full of beauty. A beautiful companion, a beautiful day, art, strangers, the lake, great food, green trees, nature, a holy monastery, rolling hills... And I am a real sucker for beauty. In fact, I have realized and fully embraced this small fact: that I am sensitive. Super-sensitive in fact, and to beauty in a way that is beyond compare. It's as if I encounter God when I see beautiful things. The amount of pure joy, serenity, peace, and excitement I feel is overwhelming, and its effects last for quite a long time after the initial experience.

So here I am, knowing who I am and what I like, and how I experience the world. Today, I decided I wanted a bit of beauty, so I drove out to Holy Hill again. This time I didn't drive up to the monestary, but explored the little towns surrounding that general area. Got out of the car and took a few pictures, but most of all, I enjoyed the rolling hills and driving through the countryside looking for things I hadn't noticed before. Paying special attention to ice-fishermen on lakes, glittering fields of snow, big red barns, crackley spiney trees, undulating landscapes, old run down buildings that had to be at least 100 years old. Towering, alien looking windmills in the far off distance. It was serene and exciting.

Then I came home and took a nap. So, here's to beauty, and here's to taking charge and going out to experience it spontaneously. Good for me. :)