I am encouraged!

Today I am grateful for recovery, good books, wise people, the love of God, personal boundaries, and my adorable hamster Dexter.

The Lord Is My Shepherd

A Psalm of David.

23:1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters. [1]
3 He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness [2]
for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, [3]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely [4] goodness and mercy [5] shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell [6] in the house of the Lord
forever. [7]

...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

7 A woman from Samaria came to draw water. Jesus said to her, “Give me a drink.” 8 (For his disciples had gone away into the city to buy food.) 9 The Samaritan woman said to him, “How is it that you, a Jew, ask for a drink from me, a woman of Samaria?” (For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans.) 10 Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.” 11 The woman said to him, “Sir, you have nothing to draw water with, and the well is deep. Where do you get that living water? 12 Are you greater than our father Jacob? He gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did his sons and his livestock.” 13 Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. [2] The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” 15 The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water, so that I will not be thirsty or have to come here to draw water.”

...

He Reigns, Newsboys:

It’s the song of the redeemed
Rising from the African plain
It’s the song of the forgiven
Drowning out the Amazon rain
The song of Asian believers
Filled with God’s holy fire
It’s every tribe, every tongue, every nation
A love song born of a grateful choir

It’s all God’s children singing
Glory, glory, hallelujah
He reigns, He reigns
It’s all God’s children singing
Glory, glory, hallelujah
He reigns, He reigns

Let it rise about the four winds
Caught up in the heavenly sound
Let praises echo from the towers of cathedrals
To the faithful gathered underground
Of all the songs sung from the dawn of creation
Some were meant to persist
Of all the bells rung from a thousand steeples
None rings truer than this

And all the powers of darkness
Tremble at what they’ve just heard
‘Cause all the powers of darkness
Can’t drown out a single word

When all God’s children sing out
Glory, glory, hallelujah
He reigns, He reigns
All God’s people singing
Glory, glory, hallelujah
He reigns, He reigns

A Dark Day

It's quite fitting that it be overcast today. That's just the kind of darkness that I'm experiencing. No rain or thunder, no eclipse or dark of night... just a general feeling of gloom. I've shared the notion of getting rid of my computer and going for a laptop instead just to get rid of the temptation to game or spend all my time on the computer with a few of my friends, and was met with a fairly unexpected response. Not unfamiliar, but unexpected. One was really critical, and the other was some mix of enthusiastic support and indifference, if that is even possible. It's not really important what my friends think, or if it is somehow an offensive action for me to choose to get rid of my PC, but it would be excellent to know more people making the kinds of changes I am, or maybe having relationships with people who understood me deeply.

I guess that is what God is for, and this is why I am even considering these choices. To be closer to the only being in the entire universe that can possibly love me fully, who knows why I think, and who despite my flaws and failures, chooses to comfort and nurture me. All of this is fairly irrelevant to why today is gloomy... Mostly because I chose to stay up all night talking to a friend, which for the most part was pleasant until we somehow got to the subject of codependency. He suggested he might be, so we read the patterns of codependency and it all went downhill from there. First he would say, "yeah that sounds just like me." and then he'd say "but I don't see a problem, if people weren't like this I'd probably hate them." So it was really incredibly apparent that he deeply believed a lot of his codependent behaviors were valuable, and that they weren't causing any problems. I pointed out all the problems that I knew of, and he made excuses for all of them. So I simply said, "Well, that's fine then. There are consequences either way, codependent or not, and it's your choice as to which you'd rather suffer through. But if there is anything you do, buy that book and keep it under your bed or something just so you have it if and when the day ever comes that you are in over your head." He seemed to want to continue to justify things to me, maybe because he knows I am in recovery for this very pattern of behavior -- and thus my approval of him and his choices is missing in some respects, and that is how he feels love (at least partially).

The bottom line is I really don't know what is going on with him, other than that I see so many of his actions as having total disregard for his own well being and totally ruled and dominated by a bunch of people in his life that don't exactly have his best interests in mind -- or can't really know what's good and right for him because they are not walking the earth in his shoes. This makes me deeply sad. Deeply sad. I so appreciate this man's talent and perspective, and I genuinely feel that if these things are not choked out completely by the weeds of codependency, they will still lack the room to blossom and he'll end up looking back with regret and sorrow, or worse, a belief that he never would have made it anyway or that he didn't have the talent or the personality to begin with.

All this reminds me of my own codependency and how important it is to keep working, lest I lose my zest for life permanently and become a marionette in the hands of children.

I'm happy to be alive.

And this is something I am grateful for, among many other little things in my life of late. For me, it is something of a minor miracle to be able to say that with confidence. I've never really been suicidal or anything so scary, but I have always been the kind of person that whispers to herself: "Why me?" or presses the sleep button five or six times before facing the day. I still struggle with depression and fear among other things... but in week five of my recovery from codependency and multiple addictions, I am finally in a place where despite the world, I want to live.

I am seeing clearly -- all of the wonderful, beautiful aspects of my life. Who God has grown me to become, despite so many terrible circumstances. I want to see this process through. I want to experience God's love in every way possible, and take full advantage of the opportunities He has given me. I want to see others do the same. But most of all - I don't want to be controlled by the world. I don't want to be driven insane by my circumstances. I don't want to be the victim. I don't want to be at the mercy of my friend's and family. I don't want to wake up and look at my life and start to get sick.

And for the most part, I haven't. I stood up for myself and made some boundaries, I chose not to go to Oregon to visit my grandparents, and inevitably, my father. Why? Because despite having not seen them, and the offer to pay for my plane fare... it was evident to me that they didn't respect what I had been through as a child. They don't care about my mental and spiritual well being, and, it is really clear by their words and actions that the purpose of me going out there is to relieve guilt or shame on their part, and you know what? I don't live my life like that. I don't associate with those kinds of people. It's okay that I'm sad about all the things that happened in my life. It's okay that I think my dad is a dirtbag and want nothing to do with him. I'm not about to start fights, and in actuality, I am working toward a really sincere forgiveness because I do not want to be (see above!) a victim! I certainly do not need to go alone to be with people I barely know, who have demonstrated their carelessness and selfishness, especially during a time that is incredibly inconvenient for me.

I'm glad that I could make the call and say "NO." That I took the power, AND the responsibility for my own health and happiness.