A Dark Day

It's quite fitting that it be overcast today. That's just the kind of darkness that I'm experiencing. No rain or thunder, no eclipse or dark of night... just a general feeling of gloom. I've shared the notion of getting rid of my computer and going for a laptop instead just to get rid of the temptation to game or spend all my time on the computer with a few of my friends, and was met with a fairly unexpected response. Not unfamiliar, but unexpected. One was really critical, and the other was some mix of enthusiastic support and indifference, if that is even possible. It's not really important what my friends think, or if it is somehow an offensive action for me to choose to get rid of my PC, but it would be excellent to know more people making the kinds of changes I am, or maybe having relationships with people who understood me deeply.

I guess that is what God is for, and this is why I am even considering these choices. To be closer to the only being in the entire universe that can possibly love me fully, who knows why I think, and who despite my flaws and failures, chooses to comfort and nurture me. All of this is fairly irrelevant to why today is gloomy... Mostly because I chose to stay up all night talking to a friend, which for the most part was pleasant until we somehow got to the subject of codependency. He suggested he might be, so we read the patterns of codependency and it all went downhill from there. First he would say, "yeah that sounds just like me." and then he'd say "but I don't see a problem, if people weren't like this I'd probably hate them." So it was really incredibly apparent that he deeply believed a lot of his codependent behaviors were valuable, and that they weren't causing any problems. I pointed out all the problems that I knew of, and he made excuses for all of them. So I simply said, "Well, that's fine then. There are consequences either way, codependent or not, and it's your choice as to which you'd rather suffer through. But if there is anything you do, buy that book and keep it under your bed or something just so you have it if and when the day ever comes that you are in over your head." He seemed to want to continue to justify things to me, maybe because he knows I am in recovery for this very pattern of behavior -- and thus my approval of him and his choices is missing in some respects, and that is how he feels love (at least partially).

The bottom line is I really don't know what is going on with him, other than that I see so many of his actions as having total disregard for his own well being and totally ruled and dominated by a bunch of people in his life that don't exactly have his best interests in mind -- or can't really know what's good and right for him because they are not walking the earth in his shoes. This makes me deeply sad. Deeply sad. I so appreciate this man's talent and perspective, and I genuinely feel that if these things are not choked out completely by the weeds of codependency, they will still lack the room to blossom and he'll end up looking back with regret and sorrow, or worse, a belief that he never would have made it anyway or that he didn't have the talent or the personality to begin with.

All this reminds me of my own codependency and how important it is to keep working, lest I lose my zest for life permanently and become a marionette in the hands of children.