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A humble preface...

What you may be about to read is not much more than a meditative and emotional text from the soul, mind, and body of a young artist. It's purpose is to share moments of enlightenment or deep struggle, questions, or simple reflections on art, recovery from codependence and God. Nothing here is authoritative or even scholarly... but it may be, I hope, thought provoking and helpful to some. Whatever IS not helpful is yours to disregard, as I do often when I encounter concepts that confuse or wound or do not ring true to my experience in this world. I welcome the trade of knowledge and the craft of intelligent discourse -- the cultivation of creativity and the constructive critiques that bring health and growth to ideas and efforts. Welcome.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Amazing Grace

I am listening to "Amazing Grace" as performed by one of my favorite indie artists, Cat Power. I'm sitting here, listening to slacker radio on my blackberry. The sun is shining, the desk is awkwardly large, and the monitor is widescreen. I'm visiting a friend of mine in Madison (I hate Madison, but love my friend) and she's taking a shower. My hair is kinda frizzy. My face feels like it is burning from my face wash (probably not a good sign). Welcome to my vacation.

You taught me dignity. Amazing grace. These lines bring me back to earlier this week when I was really feeling God's grace. I know that it is often taught that we ought not to rely on those spiritual feelings, because they're not gauranteed. I'm still not sure what I think about this. I think that maybe those feelings are constant, and it's only that we are very skilled at fooling ourselves into believing that we deserve them. That we've earned them, or that they're not really there. I think they are a gift from God, like grace, wisdom, peace, and gratitude. I think we very often put ourselves in a position where we are beyond reach. Maybe not literally beyond reach, but actively unwilling to recieve. I think we distract ourselves, or we begin to make assumptions and form expectations about what we are supposed to be getting from God, instead of being observant and grateful for what we recieve.

So, while I feel really blessed to have gratitude, peace, and joy today... I also feel really convicted. I watched myself undo a lot of what God had built up for me this weekend by my lack of discipline. I think my biggest flaw is not thinking. If I can act without thinking about what I am doing, or imagining the concequences, or paying attention to the details -- then I can do the things that I ought not to be doing and reap the so-called rewards. So I spent a lot of money on crap. This has been a pattern for me. Clothes, accessories, gadgets, supplies that are a little more swank than I need them to be. I am really falling into bad shopping habits. The worst thing is that I find myself comparing my spending to other women my age, and feel like it's not so bad. I don't put much of anything on my credit card, I don't buy totally useless stuff, or designer labels, or whatever -- but I do buy things that I do not need. I also buy things that I don't often use. I also spend money on things that are poorly researched, and end up not working for me. I waste a lot of what I earn. I also spend my money on things that are not for me. I "gift" a whole lot to the library instead of paying of my debt.

So here's what I ought to do, I think, as a responsible Christian woman. I need to make some rules for myself. The rules need not be overly restrictive, but they do need to further one particular goal: to honor God, and be responsible with the gifts he's given me. If you any ideas, please share! Here's what I'm thinking:

1. Do not go into stores. Unless...
2. Always have a list. A specific list. List must include each item, and it's requirements.
3. Always have two spending limits. One per item, and one for the total.
4. Never spend more than $100 in any one day. Except...
5. On purchases or bills worth $100 or more, they must be well researched. Thought about for a week or more, and a pros/cons list made. Once they are researched and thought about, a special savings must be put aside. Money must be saved until there is enough for the purchase and the tax. Shipping, loading, installation, etc must be included. No other big purchases made this month.
6. If it is a: book, cd, piece of furniture, or jewelry -- try to get it used first.
7. If it is a: piece of clothing, technical gadget or upgrade, shoe, accessory -- get it on sale only.
8. Look for regurbished things.
9. Get coupons.
10. Go without often.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

How do they do it?

I have no idea how artists can regularly blog about their work AND make art during the same week. I think it's a lack of discipline on my part, but after I have an especially hard/tiring day, the last thing that might occur to me is to write about it. Not good. My blogging experience will be much less interesting because of this fatal flaw.


Speaking of flaws, I made the first major mistake of my career. It is said that one should always err on the side of caution, and I can officially say that this is especially true when working with children. An art magazine got circulated during a collage project at art camp this week, and it happened to have some very modern nude paintings in it. Why it didn't occur to me to check this magazine before handing out is beyond me. Anyway, it was my mistake, and some kids got ahold of it and saw the pictures. I had to apologize profusely to an angry parent, make a few phone calls, and talk to the director. Needless to say I felt terrible. The last thing I want for my programs is for them to be anything other than safe and fun.

It was a learning experience to say the least. :)