Sundays.

For 2009, my hope is to move in a new direction. My goal is to stay on topic and post something weekly. What's a blog without readers? What's a blogger without a bit of discipline and commitment? So there it is. I am going to attempt to add something every Sunday. This seems reasonable. Sunday is more or less my day of rest, a day of reflection. Generally the only day where I avoid making commitments to anything other than rest.

My hope is that it will also be a day devoted to worship and learning as well. I have been searching for a church for a long time now, always with the feeling that I am missing something vital. Services are either a little silly, a little watered down, a little off, something. Not everything in life needs to be a challenge, but I think that Church needs to be that in a way for me, and if not a direct challenge, at least something that sharpens me spiritually. It also needs to be a safe place. Someplace where I can go to confess, someplace where I can go to worship, where I can go to learn about the Lord and to be myself.

The social pressures in some of the protestant churches are insane. I always end up feeling like your outside image is more important than what's going on inside. Some services, teachings, or behaviors even contradict scriptures or the little church tradition that I have some understanding of. As an artist, I find myself noticing all sorts of patterns. For instance, a lot of the more contemporary community or non-denominational churches prefer worship songs with really simple songs of praise, visiting Starbucks before and after church, and wearing Tiva/Keene sandal shoes all the time. There's really distinct vocab, and the trend to be "cool." There is a lot of mimicking of popular culture. A lot of pastors turned popular authors, a lot of fun group style ministries.

I can't say that I really understand it all. I can't say that it makes sense to me spiritually, religiously, or theologically. The bottom line is that I am little more than a student or a follower at best, and I am just NOT feeling the leadership of some of the protestant "brands" of Christianity. I don't even know why fully.

So I've been doing a lot of research lately on Orthodoxy. Today alone I wrote three different Orthodox priests. I am not really sure what they are called yet. "Fr." is abbreviated before their name, and in my reading I've found so many new terms and titles that it is overwhelming. In terms of history, tradition, and theology though, what I have read is very compelling. I am hoping that I gain some confidence to visit a local Church after my letters and questions are answered. I will certainly share my impressions with you as I learn more about this Orthodoxy, and my self in the process. I will also attempt to include more pictures of things in the future, and more on my art. Cheers!

What I love about a man.

In effort to get out of my head, I am going to write up a list of what I love about a particular man in my life. This isn't for him, this is for me. This is to assure myself that the things that make me feel so "sure" or "connected" or even "desperate" for the guy are real and in the present, and not these silly visions I have of the future. Those things may never ever happen, and in fact, logic says that they certainly won't play out the way I imagine them. The thing I CAN give myself permission to imagine are spaces or improvements I'd like to make BY myself and WITH myself and FOR myself only, and that don't depend on any circumstance or person. So here is my list of things I love about a man.

1. Intelligence. I like how he can follow along with anything I'm talking about, even my feelings. I like how he can figure things out- how clever he can be.

2. Humor. I love how he sees the silly side of most things, I like how goofy he is even though it can be embarrassing for me. He is a really vibrant joke teller, and can do all sorts of hilarious voices.

3. Charisma & Communication. He is able to communicate with me even when I am irrational unlike anyone I know. I can keep my cool even when I'm falling apart, at least moreso than I can with anyone else I've ever known. He and I can sort out tough problems. He's also pretty good at explaining how things work to me, is great at playing devil's advocate, and is really fun to talk to (most of the time).

4. Awareness. He isn't obvious to the world around him. He's a real observer. He likes to learn new things, he likes to stay on top of why things happen. He is always seeking some kind of understanding.

5. Hard work. This guy is a hard worker - no doubt about it. He makes it to work at a job he hates, he works hard on making changes in his life and trying to do things for others that are generally outside his nature to do.

6. He is outrageously creative. Beyond description by far. The things he comes up with can sometimes be scary to me, but most of the time I am just speechless. He is a great story teller, world builder, poet, and roleplayer.

7. Spiritual & Mystical. He is in touch with God, has his own personal relationship with Him, has faith, and is also interested in learning more. He is interested in practicing and experiencing his spirituality, perhaps NOT through a church or religion -- but as I've gotten to know him, I see how personal it is to him. He told me once that he prays for me every night. He's told me that a few times as an aside, but I think that kind of spiritual discipline is more than an "aside." I love how he is drawn to the spiritual side of life-- how his reading and watching choices reflect this.

8. His family. I love how warm, fun-loving, upbeat, intelligent, and compassionate his family is. Enough said, I would love to be in their lives. Honored even.

9. His patience. I don't know how he does it. Maybe it is part of being older and wiser, even though he is not that much older than I am. He is much more patient that most people I know, but with me he is SO patient. He can weather the storms of my emotional breakdowns, and looking backward that is pretty much insane.

10. He is really fun! He likes a variety of activities, especially games (which I love very much too). He is always happy to make something interesting and enjoyable.

11. Ambitious. He may not have some pie in the sky dream, but he is driven to improve. He wants to make everything better, and on a manageable, reasonable scale. He makes daily goals, he innovates at work, he pushes himself as a writer, he tries to become a better human being, he has a lot of educational goals and he is ever transforming.

12. Rational. He is really rational. I guess that's a guy thing, but he is really rational. He is able to look at things... well... rationally!

13. A good friend with great friendships. He has some brilliant people in his life, and he is a pretty loyal and dedicated friend.

14. Positive. He is really great at being the opposite of critical. He isn't the type to lavish praise, but even when he corrects things for me he is really good at doing it kindly. Very rarely is he a jerk about it (only when he's hanging out with a particular friend of his). He doesn't walk around talking about other people. He is able to "look on the bright side."

15. Has Integrity and Morals. He is all about doing the right thing -- even when he is not able, he still tries hard to make prior mistakes right. He gets back up and tries again. He is really aware of ethical issues and is very interested in being a "good man."

16. Great listener!

That's all I can think of right now -- there are a few areas where he doesn't have it down. He is lazy a lot of the time, and he is definitely not very physically fit, nor is he an excellent lover -- and by that I mean he isn't the best at consistently and creatively showing his love.