Personal Fulfillment

I wrote a letter to a Christian leader recently, with many questions, and I was met with a fairly unexpected reply. That I should become involved within a ministry and see how I can meet the needs of the community, rather than concern myself with how the community might meet my needs.

Why this wasn't clear to me from the beginning, I do not know. I am convicted of the fact of my self service. But I can't say that this is the entire picture. One of the things I am learning throughout my journey and struggle with codependency, is that it is right and essential to take responsibility for yourself, and to find a way to get your needs met. The reality is, I have needs. Spiritual, emotional, intellectual -- and my relationship with a Church must be a two way street. Otherwise what happens? I expend all my energy in service only to find myself exhausted, potentially victimized or taken advantage of, or simply empty. I am of the opinion that if people fall away from the Church, this is probably why. The reality is, that while the Church has a responsibility to take care of its community (of which I would be a part of), it cannot always do this well, or to the level that an individual might need. It still comes down to the individual's responsibility for themselves and their well being -- even their rightness with God.

So on some level I absolutely MUST ask the question of "are my needs being met?" or "will my needs be met?" and then figure out what exactly the Church's role ought to be in relation to my particular need. I have no issue at all recognizing my skills and abilities, and making them fully available to those who need and want them. When I determine that I am in a safe, healthy, right place, then I can commit to extending charity.

Is this selfish? Does this fly in the face of sacrifice? Jesus just served, didn't he? On the other hand, he did seem to take care of what he needed to do. For instance, he would take rests, or pray, or pay visits, or retreat when he needed to. The story of Mary and Martha is another example of this. One woman needed to listen to Jesus, the other felt compelled to clean. There was conflict, but Jesus basically shared that they should not be concerned with one another's choices, or that they should be more sensitive. Two people may experience different needs, and the necessity to behave in a particular fashion is relative to multiple factors.

The internal conflict which sparked these responses and thoughts has been something I have been working on understanding for a while, and wrestling with most recently. I feel called to ministry, or seminary of some form. I do not feel that I need to become a Church leader, or that it is even my calling... In fact, there is a whole lot I do not know. Here is what I do know, however.

First, I am compelled to serve God.
Second, I am dedicated to serve in truth, with humility, to the best of my ability so help me God.
Third, I am a gifted artist and writer.
Fourth, I am a woman, and my options for a paid position within the Church are seriously limited, especially when considering the denominations I am most interested in currently.
Fifth, I must be financially responsible. I have debts to pay for my college education, and must be able to support myself in the future. As an American, the experience of being a "stay at home mom" is currently extremely rare, and in most cases, financially impossible.
Sixth, I enjoy working. Working teaches me more then leisure, I want to contribute to the world I live in.
Seventh, I am compassionate and loving.
Eighth, I am human, am aware of my fallen state, and am committed to growing spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually in a healthy, Godly way.
Ninth, I believe in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, the son of God, his virgin birth, suffering, death, and resurrection, as it is described in the Nicene Creed.
Tenth, I want my work to be Christ centered. I do not wish to divide my time between secularism and Christianity.

So, for the million dollar question... where do I belong and what do I do with my life? The answer for now... keep asking questions, live one day at a time, and in the long term... finish school. :)

A full month

Discipline slips away from me, or I away from it... Meditative mornings are no more. Bedtimes fluctuate, the Bible opens less frequently than closet doors. Though I did open to the Psalms not long ago. What must it take to seriously convince me that these things are more than a multivitamin for my soul? Seriously. How many times to I have to struggle with loneliness or helplessness or confusion or abuse or God knows what else before I can commit to a functioning relationship with God?

"Progress, not perfection." I remind myself. At least today I am acutely aware of what I need, and in more than a few small ways have been making more progress than I tend to recognize. I am reading for pleasure, despite the commitments of work and school. I am listening to public, conservative, and christian radio... which for some reason is soothing despite the controversy. I am going to meetings and loving the transformation I see in other people, making great friends... loving the question of "what it means to be human" (probably the one oddball thing out of all my time at North Park that still follows me every day). I am happy not to be one of those people that falls and gets stuck in tar -- it's been a series of skinned knees for me, some worse than others. Lately, more like bumps and bruises.