I'm happy to be alive.

And this is something I am grateful for, among many other little things in my life of late. For me, it is something of a minor miracle to be able to say that with confidence. I've never really been suicidal or anything so scary, but I have always been the kind of person that whispers to herself: "Why me?" or presses the sleep button five or six times before facing the day. I still struggle with depression and fear among other things... but in week five of my recovery from codependency and multiple addictions, I am finally in a place where despite the world, I want to live.

I am seeing clearly -- all of the wonderful, beautiful aspects of my life. Who God has grown me to become, despite so many terrible circumstances. I want to see this process through. I want to experience God's love in every way possible, and take full advantage of the opportunities He has given me. I want to see others do the same. But most of all - I don't want to be controlled by the world. I don't want to be driven insane by my circumstances. I don't want to be the victim. I don't want to be at the mercy of my friend's and family. I don't want to wake up and look at my life and start to get sick.

And for the most part, I haven't. I stood up for myself and made some boundaries, I chose not to go to Oregon to visit my grandparents, and inevitably, my father. Why? Because despite having not seen them, and the offer to pay for my plane fare... it was evident to me that they didn't respect what I had been through as a child. They don't care about my mental and spiritual well being, and, it is really clear by their words and actions that the purpose of me going out there is to relieve guilt or shame on their part, and you know what? I don't live my life like that. I don't associate with those kinds of people. It's okay that I'm sad about all the things that happened in my life. It's okay that I think my dad is a dirtbag and want nothing to do with him. I'm not about to start fights, and in actuality, I am working toward a really sincere forgiveness because I do not want to be (see above!) a victim! I certainly do not need to go alone to be with people I barely know, who have demonstrated their carelessness and selfishness, especially during a time that is incredibly inconvenient for me.

I'm glad that I could make the call and say "NO." That I took the power, AND the responsibility for my own health and happiness.