The crystal caverns.

It seems the most accurate visualization of where I am mentally at the moment to describe a cavern filled with crystals. There has to be some light source, but not one that comes from somewhere obvious. I feel like I am getting somewhere, that I am obviously walking in the right direction... but on every side of me I am accosted by reflections of light, pictures of myself, or distractions.

I have been self aware for a long time. I was called an "old soul" by my guidance counselor during the single semester of high school I attended. I have had open and candid conversations with many people, some perhaps that were inappropriate. The fact is, it is not actually difficult for me to share things about myself. I like to know what my problems are, so I look for them. Sometimes I even make them up. How is it then that I fall into the habit of denying other issues, or being completely unaware of some of my most influential character defects?

I am, hopefully, starting recovery. I've said that before. I've gone to meetings before, I've even quit school and moved home in hopes of taking care of my responsibility to myself. Still nothing. Just a failed relationship and a whole lot of stress to speak of. I'm acting out in the typical way, trying to find someone to love me, or someone that I can focus my attention on. My mind has been taken over with obsessive and constant thinking -- I am obsessed with pinpointing every problem, every failure, every screw up and coming up with some plan to fix it, or trying simply to understand why it exists. Not just my own, but the issues of every person I come in contact with.

Some mix of extreme codependency and extreme denial and distraction. The reality is there is a whole lot of fear. I can look backward to my most recent relationship and see where I was hopelessly codependent where before I thought there was no problem. The most frustrating thing is that while my mother is mostly helpful, she is also too consumed with my own decisions to recognize the difference between my being nitpicky due to issues of codependency and control, and me genuinely having to be concerned about an issue -- and she can't seem to conceptualize why I seem to be so confused all the time.