CLICK HERE FOR THOUSANDS OF FREE BLOGGER TEMPLATES »

A humble preface...

What you may be about to read is not much more than a meditative and emotional text from the soul, mind, and body of a young artist. It's purpose is to share moments of enlightenment or deep struggle, questions, or simple reflections on art, recovery from codependence and God. Nothing here is authoritative or even scholarly... but it may be, I hope, thought provoking and helpful to some. Whatever IS not helpful is yours to disregard, as I do often when I encounter concepts that confuse or wound or do not ring true to my experience in this world. I welcome the trade of knowledge and the craft of intelligent discourse -- the cultivation of creativity and the constructive critiques that bring health and growth to ideas and efforts. Welcome.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Captains Log. Stardate 63001.1 - The Sol System. Earth.

Life is changing, as always... but you know it's something big when I write more than once in a matter of a few days. I suppose a lot of monumental changes have happened for me within the last year. A politician was elected that will change the shape of our nation forever, maybe for the good, maybe for the bad. I was in, and out, and in again, and out again of a fairly serious relationship. I am nearing the seven month mark of seeing a wonderful therapist, taking my church shopping more seriously, and building relationships with other Christian families in my neighborhood. I am nearing the completion of my undergraduate degree, and I am going on one year as a psudo-Children's librarian and loving (mostly) every minute of it. God is good. Life is good.

I've started dating again, almost immediately after my last breakup even. This weirds me out a little, only because it's not really protocol. The person I was dating only a month ago I hadn't seen in a year, and there were significant challenges when it came to connecting on a romantic or intimate level. It was a very strong friendship where we both held eachother captive in a way, so that no one else could cut in on our hang out time. I think for me, it felt secure, and it kept me from facing my dating demons. But that will not do, will it? I can not be a free-thinking, growth oriented, self-appreciating, gracious, and loving woman if I keep my demons in the closet. I cannot be whomever God might intend me to be if I don't relinquish the control I claim over my own destiny. Do I want God's intended destiny, or do I want to make my own? Considering that without God, and even with him sometimes, I am a cranky, scared, over emotional, critical, angry, and reactionary person... I'd say it's God's destiny for me that I'm more interested in.

So here I am... at a cross roads. Soon to be my own woman, with my own house and my own job, making big choices. Do I become a librarian like the Director at my library would like me to become? I get school paid for, I get a almost for-sure job for the rest of my life, with great benefits and a decent salary... and I actually kind of love the work? Or do I give it all up, struggle my way through a doctorate in theology and become a theologian, a teacher of religion, a community minister (not of a church, but one of those behind the scenes people), a writer, an artist, a whatever-God-needs-me-to-be now? Or is there some other option I don't see clearly?

And as for a husband... this thought makes me tremble. I have had such a distorted experience of love and sex for so long, I am no longer confident I am even capable of really falling in love and dedicating myself to the right person for me. I am now much less afraid to go look for that persons. I am now much more sure of my standards. But can I love them if they don't "need" me? Can I love them if they don't define my self worth? Can I love them without the overwhelming lust and feelings of infatuation that come from the feeling of being "wanted so badly" the desperate, the broken, and the fearful man? This is not quality writing, and I am sorry for that. This is also not a comfortable topic. I don't like to really write about these things, because when I come back to them later I often feel like what I had written was foolish or desperate or silly. I feel some measure of shame admitting that I want to be married and have a husband, and that I am, in fact, looking for him right now. But why? Isn't it a beautiful thing to have a family? Isn't the union between a man and a woman a sacred thing? Something that is in the "stars" for most of us?

I feel ashamed because I was one of those girls who said "I won't get married just to be WITH someone." Yet the people I dated were sub-par -- they were just someones I was with. Most were not Christian, and if they were, their spirituality certainly did not play any kind of leading role in their life or how they defined themselves. Most of them had interests that didn't intersect with mine, different levels of ambition, they were not as kind or as compassionate as the sort of man I know I need. Each relationship was different, but they all had this in common: They were just guys who liked me -- and for the most part, that is why I liked them. Save a couple choice relationships, like the last one. There was a lot of common ground there, but our lives were moving in very different directions. It was clear they would never intersect. The problem with this relationship is that it had been clear to me for some time, and I chose to ignore that fact and "hope." He did too. Looking back, and forward; It wasn't really "right" from the get go.

A person can be the perfect husband, or the perfect boyfriend, or the perfect partner... but still not be right for you. That's the case here. A man with integrity and potential and a lot to offer, but not what I needed, and now I am discovering, not what I wanted either. To define what you want in a partner is difficult. I wonder how people who don't date much do it. Maybe it is knowledge that comes from growing up in a secure home. Maybe nobody ever really knows. Maybe that is why dating is important, or maybe matchmaking is the key. Anyway, I do know now what I want, and what I need... at least to a degree, and at least the top three.

A spiritual, boderline mystical, absolutely personal relationship with God. Complete with utter devotion and understanding on a level beyond canned theology and biblical interpretations. Personal experience.

An intelligence that includes the ability to comprehend, analyze, create, find humor, and know truth. An intelligence that forms the foundation of a solid sense of humor. An intelligence that works toward self preservation and advancement, that can converse freely and openly, that is unique but not distorted.

A heart that is compassionate, romantic, inspiriting, enthusiastic and genuinely sincere and loving. Someone who is devoted to all things good, who is sensitive to other's dignity, well being, and spirit. Someone who wants to listen and help, but who knows the difference between helping and fixing. Someone who can offer tough love, who can stand up for justice and truth in the name of what is good and pure.

And that is what has been on my mind lately, beyond silly things like children's songs and hamsters.

EDIT: I should note that the latter option for a career is one that I would not only enjoy, but would fill me with joy in such a profound way it is hard for me to describe here. There is nothing that I love more than talking about God, hearing about God, and talking about the experience of being human; part physical, part spiritual being. I love to hear what other people are doing, what challenges they face, what choices they make, what darkness they've walked through, and what light and beauty they've seen. :)

0 comments: