A day of beauty.

In a discussion amongst peers on Sunday we tackled the questions of life, and asked ourselves when it was most meaningful, and when it was least. I have had several moments when life was seemingly meaningless, but judging from the energy I've spent on trying to turn those moments around, and trying to figure out the various "whys" and "hows," I cannot say that life was truly meaningless, or even that it felt that way. "Darkness" has always been the word I've used.

But all that brings us not a bit closer to the point, which is that there were times that I felt like like was so precious, if it could be counted on to stay that way forever, I would genuinely want to live forever. I told my peers about a time when an artist friend of mine came up from his big city to Milwaukee, my "big" city. We went to the art museum, and spent a lot of time talking about what we loved or hated, where our art was, what we thought of people in our lives, and the future. We had lunch, and we talked about our fears and the creative process. Lunch was at Alterra by the Lake, which means we had some awesome sandwiches. Then we got in the car and drove up north to a holy site, a monestary, the Basilica of Holy Hill.

The rolling hills, caused by glacier movement during the ice-age, are absolutely stunning. It was a cool summer day, an explosion of green everywhere. Beautiful skies, the sun was bright and mellow. We passed forests, marshes, streams, ponds, and lakes. The drive itself was just invigorating and breathtaking. Holy hill was a sight too. It was under construction, but still there was something so majestic about it. (Whenever I am in places like this, I am immediately convinced I want to be a nun. In fact, after coming home I did a whole lot of research on monastic life and even found a protestant monastery nearby to visit, which I have yet to do.) I am not catholic, but the place still moved me. There was something about this trip that was both deeply spiritual, and also deeply personal for me.

Until the discussion during class and some of the efforts I've made to analyze and understand my thinking and my identity, I would never have known why this was such a tremendous experience for me. First and foremost, it was one of the first times in my life that I made choices to spend the day with someone I wanted to know better, doing things that I by nature love to do. It wasn't a compromise, and it wasn't about simple entertainment. It was real living at its finest, and my ability to articulate what I wanted out of life at this moment in time was beyond my level of understanding (this is something I have had trouble with -- embracing what I desire). The second thing is that the entire journey was just full of beauty. A beautiful companion, a beautiful day, art, strangers, the lake, great food, green trees, nature, a holy monastery, rolling hills... And I am a real sucker for beauty. In fact, I have realized and fully embraced this small fact: that I am sensitive. Super-sensitive in fact, and to beauty in a way that is beyond compare. It's as if I encounter God when I see beautiful things. The amount of pure joy, serenity, peace, and excitement I feel is overwhelming, and its effects last for quite a long time after the initial experience.

So here I am, knowing who I am and what I like, and how I experience the world. Today, I decided I wanted a bit of beauty, so I drove out to Holy Hill again. This time I didn't drive up to the monestary, but explored the little towns surrounding that general area. Got out of the car and took a few pictures, but most of all, I enjoyed the rolling hills and driving through the countryside looking for things I hadn't noticed before. Paying special attention to ice-fishermen on lakes, glittering fields of snow, big red barns, crackley spiney trees, undulating landscapes, old run down buildings that had to be at least 100 years old. Towering, alien looking windmills in the far off distance. It was serene and exciting.

Then I came home and took a nap. So, here's to beauty, and here's to taking charge and going out to experience it spontaneously. Good for me. :)

Sundays.

For 2009, my hope is to move in a new direction. My goal is to stay on topic and post something weekly. What's a blog without readers? What's a blogger without a bit of discipline and commitment? So there it is. I am going to attempt to add something every Sunday. This seems reasonable. Sunday is more or less my day of rest, a day of reflection. Generally the only day where I avoid making commitments to anything other than rest.

My hope is that it will also be a day devoted to worship and learning as well. I have been searching for a church for a long time now, always with the feeling that I am missing something vital. Services are either a little silly, a little watered down, a little off, something. Not everything in life needs to be a challenge, but I think that Church needs to be that in a way for me, and if not a direct challenge, at least something that sharpens me spiritually. It also needs to be a safe place. Someplace where I can go to confess, someplace where I can go to worship, where I can go to learn about the Lord and to be myself.

The social pressures in some of the protestant churches are insane. I always end up feeling like your outside image is more important than what's going on inside. Some services, teachings, or behaviors even contradict scriptures or the little church tradition that I have some understanding of. As an artist, I find myself noticing all sorts of patterns. For instance, a lot of the more contemporary community or non-denominational churches prefer worship songs with really simple songs of praise, visiting Starbucks before and after church, and wearing Tiva/Keene sandal shoes all the time. There's really distinct vocab, and the trend to be "cool." There is a lot of mimicking of popular culture. A lot of pastors turned popular authors, a lot of fun group style ministries.

I can't say that I really understand it all. I can't say that it makes sense to me spiritually, religiously, or theologically. The bottom line is that I am little more than a student or a follower at best, and I am just NOT feeling the leadership of some of the protestant "brands" of Christianity. I don't even know why fully.

So I've been doing a lot of research lately on Orthodoxy. Today alone I wrote three different Orthodox priests. I am not really sure what they are called yet. "Fr." is abbreviated before their name, and in my reading I've found so many new terms and titles that it is overwhelming. In terms of history, tradition, and theology though, what I have read is very compelling. I am hoping that I gain some confidence to visit a local Church after my letters and questions are answered. I will certainly share my impressions with you as I learn more about this Orthodoxy, and my self in the process. I will also attempt to include more pictures of things in the future, and more on my art. Cheers!

What I love about a man.

In effort to get out of my head, I am going to write up a list of what I love about a particular man in my life. This isn't for him, this is for me. This is to assure myself that the things that make me feel so "sure" or "connected" or even "desperate" for the guy are real and in the present, and not these silly visions I have of the future. Those things may never ever happen, and in fact, logic says that they certainly won't play out the way I imagine them. The thing I CAN give myself permission to imagine are spaces or improvements I'd like to make BY myself and WITH myself and FOR myself only, and that don't depend on any circumstance or person. So here is my list of things I love about a man.

1. Intelligence. I like how he can follow along with anything I'm talking about, even my feelings. I like how he can figure things out- how clever he can be.

2. Humor. I love how he sees the silly side of most things, I like how goofy he is even though it can be embarrassing for me. He is a really vibrant joke teller, and can do all sorts of hilarious voices.

3. Charisma & Communication. He is able to communicate with me even when I am irrational unlike anyone I know. I can keep my cool even when I'm falling apart, at least moreso than I can with anyone else I've ever known. He and I can sort out tough problems. He's also pretty good at explaining how things work to me, is great at playing devil's advocate, and is really fun to talk to (most of the time).

4. Awareness. He isn't obvious to the world around him. He's a real observer. He likes to learn new things, he likes to stay on top of why things happen. He is always seeking some kind of understanding.

5. Hard work. This guy is a hard worker - no doubt about it. He makes it to work at a job he hates, he works hard on making changes in his life and trying to do things for others that are generally outside his nature to do.

6. He is outrageously creative. Beyond description by far. The things he comes up with can sometimes be scary to me, but most of the time I am just speechless. He is a great story teller, world builder, poet, and roleplayer.

7. Spiritual & Mystical. He is in touch with God, has his own personal relationship with Him, has faith, and is also interested in learning more. He is interested in practicing and experiencing his spirituality, perhaps NOT through a church or religion -- but as I've gotten to know him, I see how personal it is to him. He told me once that he prays for me every night. He's told me that a few times as an aside, but I think that kind of spiritual discipline is more than an "aside." I love how he is drawn to the spiritual side of life-- how his reading and watching choices reflect this.

8. His family. I love how warm, fun-loving, upbeat, intelligent, and compassionate his family is. Enough said, I would love to be in their lives. Honored even.

9. His patience. I don't know how he does it. Maybe it is part of being older and wiser, even though he is not that much older than I am. He is much more patient that most people I know, but with me he is SO patient. He can weather the storms of my emotional breakdowns, and looking backward that is pretty much insane.

10. He is really fun! He likes a variety of activities, especially games (which I love very much too). He is always happy to make something interesting and enjoyable.

11. Ambitious. He may not have some pie in the sky dream, but he is driven to improve. He wants to make everything better, and on a manageable, reasonable scale. He makes daily goals, he innovates at work, he pushes himself as a writer, he tries to become a better human being, he has a lot of educational goals and he is ever transforming.

12. Rational. He is really rational. I guess that's a guy thing, but he is really rational. He is able to look at things... well... rationally!

13. A good friend with great friendships. He has some brilliant people in his life, and he is a pretty loyal and dedicated friend.

14. Positive. He is really great at being the opposite of critical. He isn't the type to lavish praise, but even when he corrects things for me he is really good at doing it kindly. Very rarely is he a jerk about it (only when he's hanging out with a particular friend of his). He doesn't walk around talking about other people. He is able to "look on the bright side."

15. Has Integrity and Morals. He is all about doing the right thing -- even when he is not able, he still tries hard to make prior mistakes right. He gets back up and tries again. He is really aware of ethical issues and is very interested in being a "good man."

16. Great listener!

That's all I can think of right now -- there are a few areas where he doesn't have it down. He is lazy a lot of the time, and he is definitely not very physically fit, nor is he an excellent lover -- and by that I mean he isn't the best at consistently and creatively showing his love.

Lonliness

I have been doing a whole lot of work -- started up therapy again with a woman who sees right through me and is really wise. I have come to known where I've fallen short, or where I've decieved myself -- but most of all, where I've underestimated myself and shortchanged myself. I am really proud and happy of my progress, even if I don't feel that way today.

Today, I am lonely. I am lonely for people I don't know. People I who I'm not sure even exist. I am lonely for a man who will love me the way I am, despite my battle with distorted thinking. Someone who I can partner with, who can remind me when I am a little crazy, who sees right through me, who enjoys my company and lets me know. Someone who will play with me -- I don't mean in the dirty sense, but in the childlike sense. Someone who is really enthusiastic about experiencing life with me. Witnessing new things and old miracles. Watching time pass, being silly, being serious, being sad.

I am lonely for family that is warm and compassionate and accepting. Family that cares about how I really feel and think. Family able to detatch and not take my ever move personally, and family who I am able to detatch from and feel independent of. Family that doesn't suck me in, tie me down, scare me, or make me angry.

I am lonely for my self - the self that prays every morning and night, who does her chores and isn't afraid to face the day. The self that is secure in her own self-understanding and love. She makes her own supper and does't depend on anyone do get things done for her -- all without exhausting herself. I am lonley for the person in me who can set boundaries and stick to them with courage and determination.

I am lonely for a friend who knows these things too. Who can see how hard it is for me, who pushes me but loves me too. Someone who doesn't try to fix it or change it, but is happy to see me overcome and conquer just the same. Someone with good ideas, imaginitive, again-- someone who will play. A friend who would rather talk about wonderful places and people than gossip about horrible people and uncomfortable, scary places. Someone who speaks the truth, but with kindness. A courageous, independent, positive, but sensitive person. Someone creative and awesome.

I want to be specail to someone, to be wanted, and to be cherished. I don't know why this is important to me, and I know that even when I have been that special to someone I have been too blind to even see it. So it makes me think that such a desire is worthless and silly, yet still I have it. Maybe I was right all along, and the one person who I believe did want me and cherish me didn't really, and it was about something alltogether different. Sick people tend to make friends with other sick people, so what's to say it was all my thinking and not his too? Maybe I'm just there to make him feel better, and while he appreciated it in his own way, it never was real love and I should have trusted myself from the beginning. Maybe I am just making all this up because I feel very sorry that I am not wanted by this person any longer.

You know, just a moment ago I was musng: "I wonder, I should ask him-- what could I do to get him to want me again?" And then I thought of my relationship with my mom, and how with all of my clever analysis, I have never been able to do anything to keep her love in the way I needed it. I realized quite quickly -- within five minutes or so, that this was unhealthy thinking and it wasn't about what I could do. It IS or it ISN'T - one of the few things that are black and white: someone loving you for who you are. There really is no inbetween.

I learned this from someone who I cared for once -- I didn't love him for exactly who he was, and tried to love him all the same. It didn't work, and he was able to share this wisdom with me: I'm hoping to find someone who I love like I love you, but who loves me back without exception exactly as I am." It shocked me at first, to realize that I hadn't loved him as he was -- and that trying to be more than just a good friend was really really really selfish, silly, and maybe a little codependent. I know his journey to that discovery was really painful, so I won't expect anything different from mine.

But the reality is: I am lonely, and I want to be loved.

-

Broken broken broken broken broken broken broken.

Deal Breakers.

I have entered into a cycle of confusing self defeating thought and behavior. I clearly documented my experiences in my former relationship, and over time came to a conclusion that at the time I felt was unavoidable. The deal was broken. After some denial and avoidance, I freaked out. I got angry. I chose to act out in response to my fear, anger, frustration, and sadness. Immediately following that experience, I fell apart. I felt like I was crumbling inside. I felt ashamed, desperate, and lonely. I remembered all of the strengths of our relationship, and then I remembered the reason why I chose to end it. My confidence now in ruin, my judgment now in question... I started asking the question of whether or not I was wrong to have left him.

I was incredibly close to marriage. He appreciate me creatively, had a beautiful and stunning mind, had a brilliant imagination... he was kind, had integrity. He did do sweet things. But he kept his home in a state that disturbed me when I was there. There were key moments when I felt like I wasn't appreciated, wasn't worth the effort to do romantic and surprising things. I wonder if these moments resulted from my perfectionism or unhealthy expectations, or if they were legitimate criticisms.

I don't really have to ask this question seriously, because I remember enough to know that there were real problems. The real question was: could he change? Was he working on it? How important are those issues really? And if it's true that these issues really are deal breakers -- then why am I so devastated by this loss?

Was it that I trusted him, and the deal breaker ended up with me feeling less disgusted than abandoned, and that reopened a pretty serious wound from the past? Was it that I was so close to marriage (and presumably family with children, which I desperately want)? There is this nagging feeling I have that makes me ask myself why this ever became so complicated to begin with. The central conflicts were so simple, and maybe that's why I find them so devastating. It still keeps me in a state of disbelief. How could someone let these things get to such a point? And if it does, by some misstep or miscalculation of your life, then why not make some changes as soon as you realize it? In this case, it was seriously a matter of spending two-four consecutive hours armed with a plan and some basic cleaning supplies. Or it was about facing a bout of laziness or mild discomfort to take the love of your life to a fireworks show (that presumably we both would have loved). It's so stupid, I feel like I must have some kind of issue with being overly critical that these petty things would matter. At the same time, if these are such simple things to manage, then there is no logical justification for why there is a deficit in this department. What to do? Read? Go to therapy? Go to meetings? I guess so.

In the meantime, feeling lonely and vulnerable is not fun.

Mourning

Love is not a feeling.

Love creates a feeling as a result of actions taken by the person doing the loving, or the person receiving the loving.

Love is not like. Love is not fondness, infatuation, attraction, being keen on... It's none of those things. Love is behavior. Love is something that exists outside yourself.

Love is not something you can lay claim to without evidence in action. You cannot honestly nor accurately say that you love some one when the person has not been the benefactor of loving actions. You can not love some one from the other side of the world without tremendous self-sacrifice and a lot of money.

St. Theresa did not say "I love the little orphans" and then go on to live a cloistered life spending a small portion of her time serving them. She spent her life, risked her health, and dedicated all her efforts to the service of those she loved.

Love is not kissing someone. Love is not sex. Love is not thinking fondly of someone.

Love is cleaning your house because it'll make all the other people who live in it comfortable and safe. Love is paying attention to needs and doing your best, when you are able, to meet those needs even if it isn't fun or easy. Love is without ego. Love is not prideful. Love is not lazy.

The only kind of love that conquers all is perfect love -- love is like hard and grueling work. Love is not a walk on a sandy beach, nor is it a romantic picnic under a moonlit summer sky. Those things are merely celebrations of love, or they are charades -- they are something more sinister-- they masquerade as love to those without discerning hearts and wisdom.

Do not, do NOT, DO NOT say "I love you." It is worthless. It is all a vanity. If you love, then you DO, you do not say. Words are meaningless. You cannot make an argument for love. You cannot prove love with logic.

When shakespeare wrote his sonnets, he was not speaking. He was giving. He was giving the world, or his beloved, or perhaps himself a gift. He was an intensley creative man. To create takes great effort and discipline, and to create for some one else is ten times harder than if you would create for yourself. To write a sonnet or a poem, to make a piece of art or to write a piece of music for someone else is an act of love because it is an act of creation, a giving of a piece of yourself, giving of your time and talents... provided you don't do a half-assed and shitty job. Just like every other action under the sun, this one can be judged by motive.

When someone prepares their home for you, they are loving you. They are creating a place for you to be comfortable. A sight and smell for your eyes to enjoy. They are sharing their space, their possessions, their freedoms with you. They are paying for your well-being.

When someone surprises you, they are loving you. They have taken the time to watch you unselfishly. They have taken the time to CREATE a plan, to provide you with joy, entertainment, and perhaps something more.

When someone stays home to care for you because you are sick, they are loving you. When your parents let you sit in jail overnight for a DUI, they are loving you. When they take away the internet, or keep you from dating a particular guy... they are very likely in the midst of loving you.

But when they give you candy to stop crying, or bail you out, or pay your fines... or when a man gives you flowers after a fight, or writes a letter after you dump him... or when your husband gives you a speech and outlines how he has loved you, or your boyfriend presents every argument... or when a man tells you you're pretty -- DO NOT for one minute believe you are being loved. Maybe you are being appreciated, manipulated, placated, bribed, convinced, lied to, or liked... but you are not being loved.