A Dark Day

It's quite fitting that it be overcast today. That's just the kind of darkness that I'm experiencing. No rain or thunder, no eclipse or dark of night... just a general feeling of gloom. I've shared the notion of getting rid of my computer and going for a laptop instead just to get rid of the temptation to game or spend all my time on the computer with a few of my friends, and was met with a fairly unexpected response. Not unfamiliar, but unexpected. One was really critical, and the other was some mix of enthusiastic support and indifference, if that is even possible. It's not really important what my friends think, or if it is somehow an offensive action for me to choose to get rid of my PC, but it would be excellent to know more people making the kinds of changes I am, or maybe having relationships with people who understood me deeply.

I guess that is what God is for, and this is why I am even considering these choices. To be closer to the only being in the entire universe that can possibly love me fully, who knows why I think, and who despite my flaws and failures, chooses to comfort and nurture me. All of this is fairly irrelevant to why today is gloomy... Mostly because I chose to stay up all night talking to a friend, which for the most part was pleasant until we somehow got to the subject of codependency. He suggested he might be, so we read the patterns of codependency and it all went downhill from there. First he would say, "yeah that sounds just like me." and then he'd say "but I don't see a problem, if people weren't like this I'd probably hate them." So it was really incredibly apparent that he deeply believed a lot of his codependent behaviors were valuable, and that they weren't causing any problems. I pointed out all the problems that I knew of, and he made excuses for all of them. So I simply said, "Well, that's fine then. There are consequences either way, codependent or not, and it's your choice as to which you'd rather suffer through. But if there is anything you do, buy that book and keep it under your bed or something just so you have it if and when the day ever comes that you are in over your head." He seemed to want to continue to justify things to me, maybe because he knows I am in recovery for this very pattern of behavior -- and thus my approval of him and his choices is missing in some respects, and that is how he feels love (at least partially).

The bottom line is I really don't know what is going on with him, other than that I see so many of his actions as having total disregard for his own well being and totally ruled and dominated by a bunch of people in his life that don't exactly have his best interests in mind -- or can't really know what's good and right for him because they are not walking the earth in his shoes. This makes me deeply sad. Deeply sad. I so appreciate this man's talent and perspective, and I genuinely feel that if these things are not choked out completely by the weeds of codependency, they will still lack the room to blossom and he'll end up looking back with regret and sorrow, or worse, a belief that he never would have made it anyway or that he didn't have the talent or the personality to begin with.

All this reminds me of my own codependency and how important it is to keep working, lest I lose my zest for life permanently and become a marionette in the hands of children.

I'm happy to be alive.

And this is something I am grateful for, among many other little things in my life of late. For me, it is something of a minor miracle to be able to say that with confidence. I've never really been suicidal or anything so scary, but I have always been the kind of person that whispers to herself: "Why me?" or presses the sleep button five or six times before facing the day. I still struggle with depression and fear among other things... but in week five of my recovery from codependency and multiple addictions, I am finally in a place where despite the world, I want to live.

I am seeing clearly -- all of the wonderful, beautiful aspects of my life. Who God has grown me to become, despite so many terrible circumstances. I want to see this process through. I want to experience God's love in every way possible, and take full advantage of the opportunities He has given me. I want to see others do the same. But most of all - I don't want to be controlled by the world. I don't want to be driven insane by my circumstances. I don't want to be the victim. I don't want to be at the mercy of my friend's and family. I don't want to wake up and look at my life and start to get sick.

And for the most part, I haven't. I stood up for myself and made some boundaries, I chose not to go to Oregon to visit my grandparents, and inevitably, my father. Why? Because despite having not seen them, and the offer to pay for my plane fare... it was evident to me that they didn't respect what I had been through as a child. They don't care about my mental and spiritual well being, and, it is really clear by their words and actions that the purpose of me going out there is to relieve guilt or shame on their part, and you know what? I don't live my life like that. I don't associate with those kinds of people. It's okay that I'm sad about all the things that happened in my life. It's okay that I think my dad is a dirtbag and want nothing to do with him. I'm not about to start fights, and in actuality, I am working toward a really sincere forgiveness because I do not want to be (see above!) a victim! I certainly do not need to go alone to be with people I barely know, who have demonstrated their carelessness and selfishness, especially during a time that is incredibly inconvenient for me.

I'm glad that I could make the call and say "NO." That I took the power, AND the responsibility for my own health and happiness.

The crystal caverns.

It seems the most accurate visualization of where I am mentally at the moment to describe a cavern filled with crystals. There has to be some light source, but not one that comes from somewhere obvious. I feel like I am getting somewhere, that I am obviously walking in the right direction... but on every side of me I am accosted by reflections of light, pictures of myself, or distractions.

I have been self aware for a long time. I was called an "old soul" by my guidance counselor during the single semester of high school I attended. I have had open and candid conversations with many people, some perhaps that were inappropriate. The fact is, it is not actually difficult for me to share things about myself. I like to know what my problems are, so I look for them. Sometimes I even make them up. How is it then that I fall into the habit of denying other issues, or being completely unaware of some of my most influential character defects?

I am, hopefully, starting recovery. I've said that before. I've gone to meetings before, I've even quit school and moved home in hopes of taking care of my responsibility to myself. Still nothing. Just a failed relationship and a whole lot of stress to speak of. I'm acting out in the typical way, trying to find someone to love me, or someone that I can focus my attention on. My mind has been taken over with obsessive and constant thinking -- I am obsessed with pinpointing every problem, every failure, every screw up and coming up with some plan to fix it, or trying simply to understand why it exists. Not just my own, but the issues of every person I come in contact with.

Some mix of extreme codependency and extreme denial and distraction. The reality is there is a whole lot of fear. I can look backward to my most recent relationship and see where I was hopelessly codependent where before I thought there was no problem. The most frustrating thing is that while my mother is mostly helpful, she is also too consumed with my own decisions to recognize the difference between my being nitpicky due to issues of codependency and control, and me genuinely having to be concerned about an issue -- and she can't seem to conceptualize why I seem to be so confused all the time.