Happy wtih what you have.

I often have these moments of fleeting revelation. One moment, I am sitting behind my screen, staring off into the depths of some digital reality. The next moment, I am non-dramatically hit with the desire to write down some simple thought that's crept into the spotlight of my consciousness. I was, like I often do, yearning after some imaginary future not but a few minutes (which will soon pass into hours, days, years...) ago. I thought to myself; "Now, why can't I just have that?" Because it belonged to somebody else, I suppose you could call this coveting. (I never really got the coveting thing until recently, so the concept fascinates me) So here I am coveting; in this case it was an alternate reality. Most of the time it's something petty and tangible, like some gadget off of one of those gadgety websites. No, this time it was an alternative to the life that I have been so blessed with; a hip, deep, artsy life. Full of character, completely multi-faceted, cute, intellectual, dynamic, full of hip cool people who cared about what I had to say about the world. Cared about what I did when I woke up, what I ate for breakfast (at least once and a while, when it's something interesting -- like, say, bananas in orange juice).

And then it occurred to me; I have such a life. There are a select few people in my life who really do care what I eat for breakfast sometimes, and I care what they eat too, in a silly way. They read my status updates, peruse my non-hidden art blog, ask me what's going on, and show me all sorts of neat things. I've got a gentleman friend who is, as us artsy types call ourselves, a "creative." Who respects and appreciates me no less, and I him. I've got an interesting enough wardrobe, and neat kitschy things. I have a quirky sense of humor, fatal emotional flaws that can be destructive yet endearing. I've got lots of art supplies, and lots of art made by said art supplies. I have a digital life, a professional life, a creative life, a love life, and a vivid and mystical spiritual life. I have interests and talents, a warm and curiously eccentric family. I have problems. I get to ponder the meaning of life! I get to struggle with adulthood, with failure, with decision making, with the question of purpose.

So where does the coveting come from? Am I the reincarnated spirit of not so long-gone shorts of Monty Python's Flying Circus where the guy says, "And now, for something completely different...?" Is it as simple as "The grass is greener on the other side?" If so, how silly. Don't you think? How can one be happy but still long for more? It's absurd. I guess they call that "greed." This does not surprise me though. The longer I live, the more I listen to the winds and ponder the myth of my existence, the more I come to sincerely believe in the inherent wickedness of all human beings. How beautiful this wickedness is though. How wonderful, exquisite, marvelous, awesome, and mindblowing this wickedness is, the baseness depravity of humanity when it is smote by something so beyond all aspects of the human faculty to comprehend; something like divine providence, God's love, and his ability to share these gifts in momentary sparks of revelation and action. I am content.

Amazing Grace

I am listening to "Amazing Grace" as performed by one of my favorite indie artists, Cat Power. I'm sitting here, listening to slacker radio on my blackberry. The sun is shining, the desk is awkwardly large, and the monitor is widescreen. I'm visiting a friend of mine in Madison (I hate Madison, but love my friend) and she's taking a shower. My hair is kinda frizzy. My face feels like it is burning from my face wash (probably not a good sign). Welcome to my vacation.

You taught me dignity. Amazing grace. These lines bring me back to earlier this week when I was really feeling God's grace. I know that it is often taught that we ought not to rely on those spiritual feelings, because they're not gauranteed. I'm still not sure what I think about this. I think that maybe those feelings are constant, and it's only that we are very skilled at fooling ourselves into believing that we deserve them. That we've earned them, or that they're not really there. I think they are a gift from God, like grace, wisdom, peace, and gratitude. I think we very often put ourselves in a position where we are beyond reach. Maybe not literally beyond reach, but actively unwilling to recieve. I think we distract ourselves, or we begin to make assumptions and form expectations about what we are supposed to be getting from God, instead of being observant and grateful for what we recieve.

So, while I feel really blessed to have gratitude, peace, and joy today... I also feel really convicted. I watched myself undo a lot of what God had built up for me this weekend by my lack of discipline. I think my biggest flaw is not thinking. If I can act without thinking about what I am doing, or imagining the concequences, or paying attention to the details -- then I can do the things that I ought not to be doing and reap the so-called rewards. So I spent a lot of money on crap. This has been a pattern for me. Clothes, accessories, gadgets, supplies that are a little more swank than I need them to be. I am really falling into bad shopping habits. The worst thing is that I find myself comparing my spending to other women my age, and feel like it's not so bad. I don't put much of anything on my credit card, I don't buy totally useless stuff, or designer labels, or whatever -- but I do buy things that I do not need. I also buy things that I don't often use. I also spend money on things that are poorly researched, and end up not working for me. I waste a lot of what I earn. I also spend my money on things that are not for me. I "gift" a whole lot to the library instead of paying of my debt.

So here's what I ought to do, I think, as a responsible Christian woman. I need to make some rules for myself. The rules need not be overly restrictive, but they do need to further one particular goal: to honor God, and be responsible with the gifts he's given me. If you any ideas, please share! Here's what I'm thinking:

1. Do not go into stores. Unless...
2. Always have a list. A specific list. List must include each item, and it's requirements.
3. Always have two spending limits. One per item, and one for the total.
4. Never spend more than $100 in any one day. Except...
5. On purchases or bills worth $100 or more, they must be well researched. Thought about for a week or more, and a pros/cons list made. Once they are researched and thought about, a special savings must be put aside. Money must be saved until there is enough for the purchase and the tax. Shipping, loading, installation, etc must be included. No other big purchases made this month.
6. If it is a: book, cd, piece of furniture, or jewelry -- try to get it used first.
7. If it is a: piece of clothing, technical gadget or upgrade, shoe, accessory -- get it on sale only.
8. Look for regurbished things.
9. Get coupons.
10. Go without often.

How do they do it?

I have no idea how artists can regularly blog about their work AND make art during the same week. I think it's a lack of discipline on my part, but after I have an especially hard/tiring day, the last thing that might occur to me is to write about it. Not good. My blogging experience will be much less interesting because of this fatal flaw.

Speaking of flaws, I made the first major mistake of my career. It is said that one should always err on the side of caution, and I can officially say that this is especially true when working with children. An art magazine got circulated during a collage project at art camp this week, and it happened to have some very modern nude paintings in it. Why it didn't occur to me to check this magazine before handing out is beyond me. Anyway, it was my mistake, and some kids got ahold of it and saw the pictures. I had to apologize profusely to an angry parent, make a few phone calls, and talk to the director. Needless to say I felt terrible. The last thing I want for my programs is for them to be anything other than safe and fun.

It was a learning experience to say the least. :)

Captains Log. Stardate 63001.1 - The Sol System. Earth.

Life is changing, as always... but you know it's something big when I write more than once in a matter of a few days. I suppose a lot of monumental changes have happened for me within the last year. A politician was elected that will change the shape of our nation forever, maybe for the good, maybe for the bad. I was in, and out, and in again, and out again of a fairly serious relationship. I am nearing the seven month mark of seeing a wonderful therapist, taking my church shopping more seriously, and building relationships with other Christian families in my neighborhood. I am nearing the completion of my undergraduate degree, and I am going on one year as a psudo-Children's librarian and loving (mostly) every minute of it. God is good. Life is good.

I've started dating again, almost immediately after my last breakup even. This weirds me out a little, only because it's not really protocol. The person I was dating only a month ago I hadn't seen in a year, and there were significant challenges when it came to connecting on a romantic or intimate level. It was a very strong friendship where we both held eachother captive in a way, so that no one else could cut in on our hang out time. I think for me, it felt secure, and it kept me from facing my dating demons. But that will not do, will it? I can not be a free-thinking, growth oriented, self-appreciating, gracious, and loving woman if I keep my demons in the closet. I cannot be whomever God might intend me to be if I don't relinquish the control I claim over my own destiny. Do I want God's intended destiny, or do I want to make my own? Considering that without God, and even with him sometimes, I am a cranky, scared, over emotional, critical, angry, and reactionary person... I'd say it's God's destiny for me that I'm more interested in.

So here I am... at a cross roads. Soon to be my own woman, with my own house and my own job, making big choices. Do I become a librarian like the Director at my library would like me to become? I get school paid for, I get a almost for-sure job for the rest of my life, with great benefits and a decent salary... and I actually kind of love the work? Or do I give it all up, struggle my way through a doctorate in theology and become a theologian, a teacher of religion, a community minister (not of a church, but one of those behind the scenes people), a writer, an artist, a whatever-God-needs-me-to-be now? Or is there some other option I don't see clearly?

And as for a husband... this thought makes me tremble. I have had such a distorted experience of love and sex for so long, I am no longer confident I am even capable of really falling in love and dedicating myself to the right person for me. I am now much less afraid to go look for that persons. I am now much more sure of my standards. But can I love them if they don't "need" me? Can I love them if they don't define my self worth? Can I love them without the overwhelming lust and feelings of infatuation that come from the feeling of being "wanted so badly" the desperate, the broken, and the fearful man? This is not quality writing, and I am sorry for that. This is also not a comfortable topic. I don't like to really write about these things, because when I come back to them later I often feel like what I had written was foolish or desperate or silly. I feel some measure of shame admitting that I want to be married and have a husband, and that I am, in fact, looking for him right now. But why? Isn't it a beautiful thing to have a family? Isn't the union between a man and a woman a sacred thing? Something that is in the "stars" for most of us?

I feel ashamed because I was one of those girls who said "I won't get married just to be WITH someone." Yet the people I dated were sub-par -- they were just someones I was with. Most were not Christian, and if they were, their spirituality certainly did not play any kind of leading role in their life or how they defined themselves. Most of them had interests that didn't intersect with mine, different levels of ambition, they were not as kind or as compassionate as the sort of man I know I need. Each relationship was different, but they all had this in common: They were just guys who liked me -- and for the most part, that is why I liked them. Save a couple choice relationships, like the last one. There was a lot of common ground there, but our lives were moving in very different directions. It was clear they would never intersect. The problem with this relationship is that it had been clear to me for some time, and I chose to ignore that fact and "hope." He did too. Looking back, and forward; It wasn't really "right" from the get go.

A person can be the perfect husband, or the perfect boyfriend, or the perfect partner... but still not be right for you. That's the case here. A man with integrity and potential and a lot to offer, but not what I needed, and now I am discovering, not what I wanted either. To define what you want in a partner is difficult. I wonder how people who don't date much do it. Maybe it is knowledge that comes from growing up in a secure home. Maybe nobody ever really knows. Maybe that is why dating is important, or maybe matchmaking is the key. Anyway, I do know now what I want, and what I need... at least to a degree, and at least the top three.

A spiritual, boderline mystical, absolutely personal relationship with God. Complete with utter devotion and understanding on a level beyond canned theology and biblical interpretations. Personal experience.

An intelligence that includes the ability to comprehend, analyze, create, find humor, and know truth. An intelligence that forms the foundation of a solid sense of humor. An intelligence that works toward self preservation and advancement, that can converse freely and openly, that is unique but not distorted.

A heart that is compassionate, romantic, inspiriting, enthusiastic and genuinely sincere and loving. Someone who is devoted to all things good, who is sensitive to other's dignity, well being, and spirit. Someone who wants to listen and help, but who knows the difference between helping and fixing. Someone who can offer tough love, who can stand up for justice and truth in the name of what is good and pure.

And that is what has been on my mind lately, beyond silly things like children's songs and hamsters.

EDIT: I should note that the latter option for a career is one that I would not only enjoy, but would fill me with joy in such a profound way it is hard for me to describe here. There is nothing that I love more than talking about God, hearing about God, and talking about the experience of being human; part physical, part spiritual being. I love to hear what other people are doing, what challenges they face, what choices they make, what darkness they've walked through, and what light and beauty they've seen. :)

If the sky falls down tonight, it's gonna be alright.

It's another lovely Sunday. It's months away from the post wherein I committed to a daily Sunday post. Failure. It would be good for me to write regularly. It would be good for me to do many things that I do not do regularly, but should. I think this is the most depressing thing in my life (to start on a blue note) -- all the things that one should do regularly that I do not. A quick list:

1.) Read my bible
2.) Paint
3.) Send out letters to my friends
4.) Tell myself I am just who God made me to be, and should be grateful.
5.) My laundry
6.) Cook for myself
7.) Take my own lunch to work
8.) Blog
9.) Meditate / Go to church
10.) Work out

That's my top ten for today. My major excuse is that I am living at home until school is done, and that I am a pretty busy person. However, today, I actually managed a little bit of number 9. The sermon was on fruits of the spirit, in particular, joy. I am not entirely sure I agree with the pastor's interpretation of the passages read, but it WAS a new perspective. Joy comes from God, but we can do particular things to encourage an environment conducive to a joyful spirit. We can stay away from sensual and social sins, we can read our bibles, tithe, and fellowship. I agree that there are a great many things that are straight up killjoys by their very nature, and that living in any kind of sin is going to create a obstacles for any sense of positive environment.

Laziness, malice, and fear really stand out to me as barriers to my own experience of joy -- but I have to say that lately I have been very joyful, and grateful, and loved. God is at work in my heart, in my home, at work, and even in my car. Lately, just remembering Calvary has been enough to bring me peace. In a devotional I read earlier last month written by Oswald Chambers, he says basically that it isn't our service or our good works that should be our central focus as Christians. It should be an hourly reminder that we were made clean and pure by our Savior's death on the cross. The pinnacle of everything we live for, the "this was made possible by..." advertisement that should come before every significant and insignificant moment in our lives, is Jesus. Simply Jesus. Hallelujah, am I right? Lord, it is so easy to forget! It is SO easy to get caught up in discipline, fellowship, and obedience... when those things come as a result of your divine intervention and providence. So easy to confuse creating an environment conducive to Joy for the power of the Holy Spirit, the love of the Father, and the sacrifice of the Son. And that's all it takes to get me teary eyed, and feeling really great to be alive.

Life is sad, it is painful, sometimes it's even excruciating. Some days, like today, you can spend time with sweet people, do everything right, get a lot of things done, and still wake up sad from your nap for seemingly no reason. But then, you take a little time to remember Jesus, and it's all good. Really.

I pray that there'll never be a day where remembering Jesus' sacrifice is less than awesome and transformational for me. That, my friends, is where all the power of goodness and love is. The end. :)

A day of beauty.

In a discussion amongst peers on Sunday we tackled the questions of life, and asked ourselves when it was most meaningful, and when it was least. I have had several moments when life was seemingly meaningless, but judging from the energy I've spent on trying to turn those moments around, and trying to figure out the various "whys" and "hows," I cannot say that life was truly meaningless, or even that it felt that way. "Darkness" has always been the word I've used.

But all that brings us not a bit closer to the point, which is that there were times that I felt like like was so precious, if it could be counted on to stay that way forever, I would genuinely want to live forever. I told my peers about a time when an artist friend of mine came up from his big city to Milwaukee, my "big" city. We went to the art museum, and spent a lot of time talking about what we loved or hated, where our art was, what we thought of people in our lives, and the future. We had lunch, and we talked about our fears and the creative process. Lunch was at Alterra by the Lake, which means we had some awesome sandwiches. Then we got in the car and drove up north to a holy site, a monestary, the Basilica of Holy Hill.

The rolling hills, caused by glacier movement during the ice-age, are absolutely stunning. It was a cool summer day, an explosion of green everywhere. Beautiful skies, the sun was bright and mellow. We passed forests, marshes, streams, ponds, and lakes. The drive itself was just invigorating and breathtaking. Holy hill was a sight too. It was under construction, but still there was something so majestic about it. (Whenever I am in places like this, I am immediately convinced I want to be a nun. In fact, after coming home I did a whole lot of research on monastic life and even found a protestant monastery nearby to visit, which I have yet to do.) I am not catholic, but the place still moved me. There was something about this trip that was both deeply spiritual, and also deeply personal for me.

Until the discussion during class and some of the efforts I've made to analyze and understand my thinking and my identity, I would never have known why this was such a tremendous experience for me. First and foremost, it was one of the first times in my life that I made choices to spend the day with someone I wanted to know better, doing things that I by nature love to do. It wasn't a compromise, and it wasn't about simple entertainment. It was real living at its finest, and my ability to articulate what I wanted out of life at this moment in time was beyond my level of understanding (this is something I have had trouble with -- embracing what I desire). The second thing is that the entire journey was just full of beauty. A beautiful companion, a beautiful day, art, strangers, the lake, great food, green trees, nature, a holy monastery, rolling hills... And I am a real sucker for beauty. In fact, I have realized and fully embraced this small fact: that I am sensitive. Super-sensitive in fact, and to beauty in a way that is beyond compare. It's as if I encounter God when I see beautiful things. The amount of pure joy, serenity, peace, and excitement I feel is overwhelming, and its effects last for quite a long time after the initial experience.

So here I am, knowing who I am and what I like, and how I experience the world. Today, I decided I wanted a bit of beauty, so I drove out to Holy Hill again. This time I didn't drive up to the monestary, but explored the little towns surrounding that general area. Got out of the car and took a few pictures, but most of all, I enjoyed the rolling hills and driving through the countryside looking for things I hadn't noticed before. Paying special attention to ice-fishermen on lakes, glittering fields of snow, big red barns, crackley spiney trees, undulating landscapes, old run down buildings that had to be at least 100 years old. Towering, alien looking windmills in the far off distance. It was serene and exciting.

Then I came home and took a nap. So, here's to beauty, and here's to taking charge and going out to experience it spontaneously. Good for me. :)

Sundays.

For 2009, my hope is to move in a new direction. My goal is to stay on topic and post something weekly. What's a blog without readers? What's a blogger without a bit of discipline and commitment? So there it is. I am going to attempt to add something every Sunday. This seems reasonable. Sunday is more or less my day of rest, a day of reflection. Generally the only day where I avoid making commitments to anything other than rest.

My hope is that it will also be a day devoted to worship and learning as well. I have been searching for a church for a long time now, always with the feeling that I am missing something vital. Services are either a little silly, a little watered down, a little off, something. Not everything in life needs to be a challenge, but I think that Church needs to be that in a way for me, and if not a direct challenge, at least something that sharpens me spiritually. It also needs to be a safe place. Someplace where I can go to confess, someplace where I can go to worship, where I can go to learn about the Lord and to be myself.

The social pressures in some of the protestant churches are insane. I always end up feeling like your outside image is more important than what's going on inside. Some services, teachings, or behaviors even contradict scriptures or the little church tradition that I have some understanding of. As an artist, I find myself noticing all sorts of patterns. For instance, a lot of the more contemporary community or non-denominational churches prefer worship songs with really simple songs of praise, visiting Starbucks before and after church, and wearing Tiva/Keene sandal shoes all the time. There's really distinct vocab, and the trend to be "cool." There is a lot of mimicking of popular culture. A lot of pastors turned popular authors, a lot of fun group style ministries.

I can't say that I really understand it all. I can't say that it makes sense to me spiritually, religiously, or theologically. The bottom line is that I am little more than a student or a follower at best, and I am just NOT feeling the leadership of some of the protestant "brands" of Christianity. I don't even know why fully.

So I've been doing a lot of research lately on Orthodoxy. Today alone I wrote three different Orthodox priests. I am not really sure what they are called yet. "Fr." is abbreviated before their name, and in my reading I've found so many new terms and titles that it is overwhelming. In terms of history, tradition, and theology though, what I have read is very compelling. I am hoping that I gain some confidence to visit a local Church after my letters and questions are answered. I will certainly share my impressions with you as I learn more about this Orthodoxy, and my self in the process. I will also attempt to include more pictures of things in the future, and more on my art. Cheers!

What I love about a man.

In effort to get out of my head, I am going to write up a list of what I love about a particular man in my life. This isn't for him, this is for me. This is to assure myself that the things that make me feel so "sure" or "connected" or even "desperate" for the guy are real and in the present, and not these silly visions I have of the future. Those things may never ever happen, and in fact, logic says that they certainly won't play out the way I imagine them. The thing I CAN give myself permission to imagine are spaces or improvements I'd like to make BY myself and WITH myself and FOR myself only, and that don't depend on any circumstance or person. So here is my list of things I love about a man.

1. Intelligence. I like how he can follow along with anything I'm talking about, even my feelings. I like how he can figure things out- how clever he can be.

2. Humor. I love how he sees the silly side of most things, I like how goofy he is even though it can be embarrassing for me. He is a really vibrant joke teller, and can do all sorts of hilarious voices.

3. Charisma & Communication. He is able to communicate with me even when I am irrational unlike anyone I know. I can keep my cool even when I'm falling apart, at least moreso than I can with anyone else I've ever known. He and I can sort out tough problems. He's also pretty good at explaining how things work to me, is great at playing devil's advocate, and is really fun to talk to (most of the time).

4. Awareness. He isn't obvious to the world around him. He's a real observer. He likes to learn new things, he likes to stay on top of why things happen. He is always seeking some kind of understanding.

5. Hard work. This guy is a hard worker - no doubt about it. He makes it to work at a job he hates, he works hard on making changes in his life and trying to do things for others that are generally outside his nature to do.

6. He is outrageously creative. Beyond description by far. The things he comes up with can sometimes be scary to me, but most of the time I am just speechless. He is a great story teller, world builder, poet, and roleplayer.

7. Spiritual & Mystical. He is in touch with God, has his own personal relationship with Him, has faith, and is also interested in learning more. He is interested in practicing and experiencing his spirituality, perhaps NOT through a church or religion -- but as I've gotten to know him, I see how personal it is to him. He told me once that he prays for me every night. He's told me that a few times as an aside, but I think that kind of spiritual discipline is more than an "aside." I love how he is drawn to the spiritual side of life-- how his reading and watching choices reflect this.

8. His family. I love how warm, fun-loving, upbeat, intelligent, and compassionate his family is. Enough said, I would love to be in their lives. Honored even.

9. His patience. I don't know how he does it. Maybe it is part of being older and wiser, even though he is not that much older than I am. He is much more patient that most people I know, but with me he is SO patient. He can weather the storms of my emotional breakdowns, and looking backward that is pretty much insane.

10. He is really fun! He likes a variety of activities, especially games (which I love very much too). He is always happy to make something interesting and enjoyable.

11. Ambitious. He may not have some pie in the sky dream, but he is driven to improve. He wants to make everything better, and on a manageable, reasonable scale. He makes daily goals, he innovates at work, he pushes himself as a writer, he tries to become a better human being, he has a lot of educational goals and he is ever transforming.

12. Rational. He is really rational. I guess that's a guy thing, but he is really rational. He is able to look at things... well... rationally!

13. A good friend with great friendships. He has some brilliant people in his life, and he is a pretty loyal and dedicated friend.

14. Positive. He is really great at being the opposite of critical. He isn't the type to lavish praise, but even when he corrects things for me he is really good at doing it kindly. Very rarely is he a jerk about it (only when he's hanging out with a particular friend of his). He doesn't walk around talking about other people. He is able to "look on the bright side."

15. Has Integrity and Morals. He is all about doing the right thing -- even when he is not able, he still tries hard to make prior mistakes right. He gets back up and tries again. He is really aware of ethical issues and is very interested in being a "good man."

16. Great listener!

That's all I can think of right now -- there are a few areas where he doesn't have it down. He is lazy a lot of the time, and he is definitely not very physically fit, nor is he an excellent lover -- and by that I mean he isn't the best at consistently and creatively showing his love.

Lonliness

I have been doing a whole lot of work -- started up therapy again with a woman who sees right through me and is really wise. I have come to known where I've fallen short, or where I've decieved myself -- but most of all, where I've underestimated myself and shortchanged myself. I am really proud and happy of my progress, even if I don't feel that way today.

Today, I am lonely. I am lonely for people I don't know. People I who I'm not sure even exist. I am lonely for a man who will love me the way I am, despite my battle with distorted thinking. Someone who I can partner with, who can remind me when I am a little crazy, who sees right through me, who enjoys my company and lets me know. Someone who will play with me -- I don't mean in the dirty sense, but in the childlike sense. Someone who is really enthusiastic about experiencing life with me. Witnessing new things and old miracles. Watching time pass, being silly, being serious, being sad.

I am lonely for family that is warm and compassionate and accepting. Family that cares about how I really feel and think. Family able to detatch and not take my ever move personally, and family who I am able to detatch from and feel independent of. Family that doesn't suck me in, tie me down, scare me, or make me angry.

I am lonely for my self - the self that prays every morning and night, who does her chores and isn't afraid to face the day. The self that is secure in her own self-understanding and love. She makes her own supper and does't depend on anyone do get things done for her -- all without exhausting herself. I am lonley for the person in me who can set boundaries and stick to them with courage and determination.

I am lonely for a friend who knows these things too. Who can see how hard it is for me, who pushes me but loves me too. Someone who doesn't try to fix it or change it, but is happy to see me overcome and conquer just the same. Someone with good ideas, imaginitive, again-- someone who will play. A friend who would rather talk about wonderful places and people than gossip about horrible people and uncomfortable, scary places. Someone who speaks the truth, but with kindness. A courageous, independent, positive, but sensitive person. Someone creative and awesome.

I want to be specail to someone, to be wanted, and to be cherished. I don't know why this is important to me, and I know that even when I have been that special to someone I have been too blind to even see it. So it makes me think that such a desire is worthless and silly, yet still I have it. Maybe I was right all along, and the one person who I believe did want me and cherish me didn't really, and it was about something alltogether different. Sick people tend to make friends with other sick people, so what's to say it was all my thinking and not his too? Maybe I'm just there to make him feel better, and while he appreciated it in his own way, it never was real love and I should have trusted myself from the beginning. Maybe I am just making all this up because I feel very sorry that I am not wanted by this person any longer.

You know, just a moment ago I was musng: "I wonder, I should ask him-- what could I do to get him to want me again?" And then I thought of my relationship with my mom, and how with all of my clever analysis, I have never been able to do anything to keep her love in the way I needed it. I realized quite quickly -- within five minutes or so, that this was unhealthy thinking and it wasn't about what I could do. It IS or it ISN'T - one of the few things that are black and white: someone loving you for who you are. There really is no inbetween.

I learned this from someone who I cared for once -- I didn't love him for exactly who he was, and tried to love him all the same. It didn't work, and he was able to share this wisdom with me: I'm hoping to find someone who I love like I love you, but who loves me back without exception exactly as I am." It shocked me at first, to realize that I hadn't loved him as he was -- and that trying to be more than just a good friend was really really really selfish, silly, and maybe a little codependent. I know his journey to that discovery was really painful, so I won't expect anything different from mine.

But the reality is: I am lonely, and I want to be loved.

-

Broken broken broken broken broken broken broken.

Deal Breakers.

I have entered into a cycle of confusing self defeating thought and behavior. I clearly documented my experiences in my former relationship, and over time came to a conclusion that at the time I felt was unavoidable. The deal was broken. After some denial and avoidance, I freaked out. I got angry. I chose to act out in response to my fear, anger, frustration, and sadness. Immediately following that experience, I fell apart. I felt like I was crumbling inside. I felt ashamed, desperate, and lonely. I remembered all of the strengths of our relationship, and then I remembered the reason why I chose to end it. My confidence now in ruin, my judgment now in question... I started asking the question of whether or not I was wrong to have left him.

I was incredibly close to marriage. He appreciate me creatively, had a beautiful and stunning mind, had a brilliant imagination... he was kind, had integrity. He did do sweet things. But he kept his home in a state that disturbed me when I was there. There were key moments when I felt like I wasn't appreciated, wasn't worth the effort to do romantic and surprising things. I wonder if these moments resulted from my perfectionism or unhealthy expectations, or if they were legitimate criticisms.

I don't really have to ask this question seriously, because I remember enough to know that there were real problems. The real question was: could he change? Was he working on it? How important are those issues really? And if it's true that these issues really are deal breakers -- then why am I so devastated by this loss?

Was it that I trusted him, and the deal breaker ended up with me feeling less disgusted than abandoned, and that reopened a pretty serious wound from the past? Was it that I was so close to marriage (and presumably family with children, which I desperately want)? There is this nagging feeling I have that makes me ask myself why this ever became so complicated to begin with. The central conflicts were so simple, and maybe that's why I find them so devastating. It still keeps me in a state of disbelief. How could someone let these things get to such a point? And if it does, by some misstep or miscalculation of your life, then why not make some changes as soon as you realize it? In this case, it was seriously a matter of spending two-four consecutive hours armed with a plan and some basic cleaning supplies. Or it was about facing a bout of laziness or mild discomfort to take the love of your life to a fireworks show (that presumably we both would have loved). It's so stupid, I feel like I must have some kind of issue with being overly critical that these petty things would matter. At the same time, if these are such simple things to manage, then there is no logical justification for why there is a deficit in this department. What to do? Read? Go to therapy? Go to meetings? I guess so.

In the meantime, feeling lonely and vulnerable is not fun.

Mourning

Love is not a feeling.

Love creates a feeling as a result of actions taken by the person doing the loving, or the person receiving the loving.

Love is not like. Love is not fondness, infatuation, attraction, being keen on... It's none of those things. Love is behavior. Love is something that exists outside yourself.

Love is not something you can lay claim to without evidence in action. You cannot honestly nor accurately say that you love some one when the person has not been the benefactor of loving actions. You can not love some one from the other side of the world without tremendous self-sacrifice and a lot of money.

St. Theresa did not say "I love the little orphans" and then go on to live a cloistered life spending a small portion of her time serving them. She spent her life, risked her health, and dedicated all her efforts to the service of those she loved.

Love is not kissing someone. Love is not sex. Love is not thinking fondly of someone.

Love is cleaning your house because it'll make all the other people who live in it comfortable and safe. Love is paying attention to needs and doing your best, when you are able, to meet those needs even if it isn't fun or easy. Love is without ego. Love is not prideful. Love is not lazy.

The only kind of love that conquers all is perfect love -- love is like hard and grueling work. Love is not a walk on a sandy beach, nor is it a romantic picnic under a moonlit summer sky. Those things are merely celebrations of love, or they are charades -- they are something more sinister-- they masquerade as love to those without discerning hearts and wisdom.

Do not, do NOT, DO NOT say "I love you." It is worthless. It is all a vanity. If you love, then you DO, you do not say. Words are meaningless. You cannot make an argument for love. You cannot prove love with logic.

When shakespeare wrote his sonnets, he was not speaking. He was giving. He was giving the world, or his beloved, or perhaps himself a gift. He was an intensley creative man. To create takes great effort and discipline, and to create for some one else is ten times harder than if you would create for yourself. To write a sonnet or a poem, to make a piece of art or to write a piece of music for someone else is an act of love because it is an act of creation, a giving of a piece of yourself, giving of your time and talents... provided you don't do a half-assed and shitty job. Just like every other action under the sun, this one can be judged by motive.

When someone prepares their home for you, they are loving you. They are creating a place for you to be comfortable. A sight and smell for your eyes to enjoy. They are sharing their space, their possessions, their freedoms with you. They are paying for your well-being.

When someone surprises you, they are loving you. They have taken the time to watch you unselfishly. They have taken the time to CREATE a plan, to provide you with joy, entertainment, and perhaps something more.

When someone stays home to care for you because you are sick, they are loving you. When your parents let you sit in jail overnight for a DUI, they are loving you. When they take away the internet, or keep you from dating a particular guy... they are very likely in the midst of loving you.

But when they give you candy to stop crying, or bail you out, or pay your fines... or when a man gives you flowers after a fight, or writes a letter after you dump him... or when your husband gives you a speech and outlines how he has loved you, or your boyfriend presents every argument... or when a man tells you you're pretty -- DO NOT for one minute believe you are being loved. Maybe you are being appreciated, manipulated, placated, bribed, convinced, lied to, or liked... but you are not being loved.

Love lost.

So I got to thinking, as I often do, about losses. First it started with a conversation. I had called my Grandmother on the phone, as I do often, to inquire about my Grandpa's upcoming doctor appointments. We talked a bit, and I mentioned my Father and got to talking about a situation that happened a couple of months ago, and how I basically said my final "goodbye" to him in a matter-of-fact e-mail. Then I got home, told my mom about how I deleted a friend from my facebook friends lists for being a "rasty moron," and went on to check MySpace and all that other internet crap to see whats going on with my "world." I thought about my ex, who had posted some new blogs... which I read, and was kinda shocked by.

I realized that I haven't really done much about the break-up. I haven't really cried it out -- and I wonder what that's about? I loved- or continue to love him, and I remember being so heartbroken a multitude of times when he failed to meet some of my most basic needs and expectations... So why is it that now that its all over with do I sit here in a kind of blank indifference? Same thing with my Father. I cried over some of the terrible things he said to me, and over being abandoned once, and over the stress of having to make the choice of whether or not to see him again... but I never cried about the loss. I figured that was because I had cried about the loss before -- when it actually happened. But it comes up, often times, in recovery (or out of recovery, when I am being delinquint) how seriously affected I have been by the loss, and that really, this loss left some huge gaping hole in my heart that a few tears and some acknowledgement haven't been able to heal -- or even hasten the healing.

So here is this guy... that I spend a fair amount of time either thinking negative things about, or ignorning all together, that I once loved for about a year and four months of my life. A guy who I really thought I was going to marry -- and who even after the break-up I'd have dreams or childish thoughts about (such as "I wonder if he'll donate his sperm so I can have a child with his genetic information?"). Yeah. Totally freaky stuff. I think about his family sometimes, and that makes me really sad... I miss them. I worry a lot about what they think of me. I felt so at home with them.

Most of all though, once I start thinking about it... I'm still angry. Totally and completely enraged (that is when I am not in denial or avoidance)! I mean seriously... Here is a smart, creative, passionate, spiritual guy who is fun to be with... but so lazy he can't even keep his home even moderately clean. He hasn't hired someone to compensate... he's tardy and truant and absent from his son's life, so much so that I've forgotten he's supposedly a "father" many times (not to mention how angry this makes me due to me projecting my experience with MY father onto the situation), and he's lazy with his relationship with God... and worst of all, lazy with me. I seriously loved the guy! I thought he was really cute, even though he was a little chubbier than I would've liked. I could deal with that if I knew he was living a healthy lifestyle, and I could even deal with cheating the healthy lifestyle thing if it weren't for all the other utter failures.

A mature person, in my mind, is one who 1.) Knows their skills and talents and has/is working on getting a job that takes advantage of them, especially when they have some of the resources to make that happen. If not, they should have some kind of hobby that makes use of these things. 2) Can keep their home clean, their bills paid, and their personal responsibilities cared for. 3) Is a dedicated participant in a relationship with a higher power -- AND is in dedicated relationships with friends and family, doing such things as sending gifts, offering comfort, making some small sacrafices, appreciating, etc...

What good are you as a person and to the world if you can't make use of yourself in a meaningful way, if you don't care for yourself and what you have, and you are one-sided and ineffective in your relationships? More importantly, what business did I have dating somebody who was like this? Maybe this is why I don't mourn... because I feel stupid for having been in a situation with someone like this and not knowing it until a whole year later.

Alone.

For lack of proper memorization of the bible, and for tired eyes, I am going to grossly paraphrase something that Jesus said. That basically, we who follow Him and his ways will be hated, like he was. It's difficult for me to accept this and apply it to my own life, because first of all, if this were true, then it would mean I was doing a good job of following in His footsteps. Perhaps not -- perhaps the Spirit has made me able. At any rate, it seems like too much an honor, too much a blessing, too self-focused to claim such a thing.

But I do feel hated right now. Not hated as in... say someone throwing rocks at me, or telling me to my face they wish I'd rot. But slowly now I've began to lose friends. Some, because I realize the type of people they are and their values strike such a stark contrast to my own, and I feel false and intimidated in their presence. Some because they are selfish, sick, lazy, or rude, and I simply don't wish to enable them or reward them for such behavior (and because I don't want to be a victim). Some, I'm afraid, I've actually offended and scared off by being more vocal lately.

I am still debating whether or not calling my best friend out on some blatant lies he believed about himself was right or not. I am trying really hard to depart from advice giving, and also trying to discipline my tongue. There was something so infuriating about that conversation with him, though... because at first it was an outright confession to a specific type of detrimental behavior. Something I am quite familiar with. Codependency, actually... here's a talented, creative, hillarious, kind and intelligent young man trying to convince himself he is happy to throw away whatever dreams and aspirations he might have for his overbearing, alcholic father and his (likely equally codependent) mother. I used to think it a sweet thing that he would jump at the chance to help a person. A real kind guy, I thought. Someone with compassion. Until he'd do things for people he never wanted to do, or end up in situations where he was being used. He's tired, feels like a failure, but still - the over-arching theme is "I must please others." He hasn't the slightest idea of how to do otherwise. So we had a conversation about this, it came about by me sharing my struggles and him asking more about codependency. As I described the charactersitics, he said, "that's me, but I don't think it's bad." So I pointed out how he had, at numerous points in his life, suffered greatly for his codependent beliefs. I simply retold many of the memories I had of times that he had been hurt, even devistated by his dependence on approval. He would agree, but continue to make excuses. All I'd do is point out where he was lying to himself and attempt to end the conversation. Here I am needing to fix him, and here he is needing me to approve of him. Well I didn't fix him, and he never got me to approve... so here we are in an awkward situation of a fairly fractured relationship.

I think in more ways than can be accounted for by this conversation. There were issues in the past about unrequieted love... and now my realization that perhaps the reason we had such a strong bond was because we were and are both rediculously codependent.

The next friend I scared off is a great intellectual friend of mine, who as it turns out, is insufferably liberal (from my perspective). There is this giantic divergence of thought, to the point where we are both disgusted with the idea that anyone could see the world from such a perspective as the other. This is hard for me, because I don't want to be elietist or stubborn or self-obsessed or self-righteous or arrogant or whatever it is that people are when they believe so strongly in something that they cannot be persuaded otherwise. There are times in history when this has been a good thing... and times when it has been bad. How the hell will I ever know if I am actually right or wrong? All I can do is use the brain I have in the ways I know, and in the ways it works, and trust in what makes sense to me after I've made my own careful analysis of the situation.

I don't believe in just throwing my values to the wind and tolerating every last thing that floats by. I doubt even those who tout the fairness doctrine or tolerence in its purest form would either. There are folks who think Christianity is absurd, and other folks who think conservatism is absurd, and folks who think alien spaceships and those who believe they've been inside one before are absurd. And some of those people are deciples of fairness and tolerence. No. I want nothing to do with it. That's right -- nothing.

I'll go with love and respect, human dignity, and other Christian principles. Justice... mercy... compassion... sacrafice. But not blind tolerence, and not "fairness" (which is totally relative anyway). Those who say tolerence and fairness are Christian principles, in my mind, are totally misinformed and may want to go back to reading their bibles on a fundamental level -- something which I need to do as well. Perhaps I am out of whack and have no idea about anything... but then, that'd be me, and I can't be anything but (so I've discovered). To thine own self be true, as Shakespeare said.

Personal Fulfillment

I wrote a letter to a Christian leader recently, with many questions, and I was met with a fairly unexpected reply. That I should become involved within a ministry and see how I can meet the needs of the community, rather than concern myself with how the community might meet my needs.

Why this wasn't clear to me from the beginning, I do not know. I am convicted of the fact of my self service. But I can't say that this is the entire picture. One of the things I am learning throughout my journey and struggle with codependency, is that it is right and essential to take responsibility for yourself, and to find a way to get your needs met. The reality is, I have needs. Spiritual, emotional, intellectual -- and my relationship with a Church must be a two way street. Otherwise what happens? I expend all my energy in service only to find myself exhausted, potentially victimized or taken advantage of, or simply empty. I am of the opinion that if people fall away from the Church, this is probably why. The reality is, that while the Church has a responsibility to take care of its community (of which I would be a part of), it cannot always do this well, or to the level that an individual might need. It still comes down to the individual's responsibility for themselves and their well being -- even their rightness with God.

So on some level I absolutely MUST ask the question of "are my needs being met?" or "will my needs be met?" and then figure out what exactly the Church's role ought to be in relation to my particular need. I have no issue at all recognizing my skills and abilities, and making them fully available to those who need and want them. When I determine that I am in a safe, healthy, right place, then I can commit to extending charity.

Is this selfish? Does this fly in the face of sacrifice? Jesus just served, didn't he? On the other hand, he did seem to take care of what he needed to do. For instance, he would take rests, or pray, or pay visits, or retreat when he needed to. The story of Mary and Martha is another example of this. One woman needed to listen to Jesus, the other felt compelled to clean. There was conflict, but Jesus basically shared that they should not be concerned with one another's choices, or that they should be more sensitive. Two people may experience different needs, and the necessity to behave in a particular fashion is relative to multiple factors.

The internal conflict which sparked these responses and thoughts has been something I have been working on understanding for a while, and wrestling with most recently. I feel called to ministry, or seminary of some form. I do not feel that I need to become a Church leader, or that it is even my calling... In fact, there is a whole lot I do not know. Here is what I do know, however.

First, I am compelled to serve God.
Second, I am dedicated to serve in truth, with humility, to the best of my ability so help me God.
Third, I am a gifted artist and writer.
Fourth, I am a woman, and my options for a paid position within the Church are seriously limited, especially when considering the denominations I am most interested in currently.
Fifth, I must be financially responsible. I have debts to pay for my college education, and must be able to support myself in the future. As an American, the experience of being a "stay at home mom" is currently extremely rare, and in most cases, financially impossible.
Sixth, I enjoy working. Working teaches me more then leisure, I want to contribute to the world I live in.
Seventh, I am compassionate and loving.
Eighth, I am human, am aware of my fallen state, and am committed to growing spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually in a healthy, Godly way.
Ninth, I believe in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, the son of God, his virgin birth, suffering, death, and resurrection, as it is described in the Nicene Creed.
Tenth, I want my work to be Christ centered. I do not wish to divide my time between secularism and Christianity.

So, for the million dollar question... where do I belong and what do I do with my life? The answer for now... keep asking questions, live one day at a time, and in the long term... finish school. :)

A full month

Discipline slips away from me, or I away from it... Meditative mornings are no more. Bedtimes fluctuate, the Bible opens less frequently than closet doors. Though I did open to the Psalms not long ago. What must it take to seriously convince me that these things are more than a multivitamin for my soul? Seriously. How many times to I have to struggle with loneliness or helplessness or confusion or abuse or God knows what else before I can commit to a functioning relationship with God?

"Progress, not perfection." I remind myself. At least today I am acutely aware of what I need, and in more than a few small ways have been making more progress than I tend to recognize. I am reading for pleasure, despite the commitments of work and school. I am listening to public, conservative, and christian radio... which for some reason is soothing despite the controversy. I am going to meetings and loving the transformation I see in other people, making great friends... loving the question of "what it means to be human" (probably the one oddball thing out of all my time at North Park that still follows me every day). I am happy not to be one of those people that falls and gets stuck in tar -- it's been a series of skinned knees for me, some worse than others. Lately, more like bumps and bruises.

I am encouraged!

Today I am grateful for recovery, good books, wise people, the love of God, personal boundaries, and my adorable hamster Dexter.

The Lord Is My Shepherd

A Psalm of David.

23:1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters. [1]
3 He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness [2]
for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, [3]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely [4] goodness and mercy [5] shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell [6] in the house of the Lord
forever. [7]

...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

7 A woman from Samaria came to draw water. Jesus said to her, “Give me a drink.” 8 (For his disciples had gone away into the city to buy food.) 9 The Samaritan woman said to him, “How is it that you, a Jew, ask for a drink from me, a woman of Samaria?” (For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans.) 10 Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.” 11 The woman said to him, “Sir, you have nothing to draw water with, and the well is deep. Where do you get that living water? 12 Are you greater than our father Jacob? He gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did his sons and his livestock.” 13 Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. [2] The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” 15 The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water, so that I will not be thirsty or have to come here to draw water.”

...

He Reigns, Newsboys:

It’s the song of the redeemed
Rising from the African plain
It’s the song of the forgiven
Drowning out the Amazon rain
The song of Asian believers
Filled with God’s holy fire
It’s every tribe, every tongue, every nation
A love song born of a grateful choir

It’s all God’s children singing
Glory, glory, hallelujah
He reigns, He reigns
It’s all God’s children singing
Glory, glory, hallelujah
He reigns, He reigns

Let it rise about the four winds
Caught up in the heavenly sound
Let praises echo from the towers of cathedrals
To the faithful gathered underground
Of all the songs sung from the dawn of creation
Some were meant to persist
Of all the bells rung from a thousand steeples
None rings truer than this

And all the powers of darkness
Tremble at what they’ve just heard
‘Cause all the powers of darkness
Can’t drown out a single word

When all God’s children sing out
Glory, glory, hallelujah
He reigns, He reigns
All God’s people singing
Glory, glory, hallelujah
He reigns, He reigns

A Dark Day

It's quite fitting that it be overcast today. That's just the kind of darkness that I'm experiencing. No rain or thunder, no eclipse or dark of night... just a general feeling of gloom. I've shared the notion of getting rid of my computer and going for a laptop instead just to get rid of the temptation to game or spend all my time on the computer with a few of my friends, and was met with a fairly unexpected response. Not unfamiliar, but unexpected. One was really critical, and the other was some mix of enthusiastic support and indifference, if that is even possible. It's not really important what my friends think, or if it is somehow an offensive action for me to choose to get rid of my PC, but it would be excellent to know more people making the kinds of changes I am, or maybe having relationships with people who understood me deeply.

I guess that is what God is for, and this is why I am even considering these choices. To be closer to the only being in the entire universe that can possibly love me fully, who knows why I think, and who despite my flaws and failures, chooses to comfort and nurture me. All of this is fairly irrelevant to why today is gloomy... Mostly because I chose to stay up all night talking to a friend, which for the most part was pleasant until we somehow got to the subject of codependency. He suggested he might be, so we read the patterns of codependency and it all went downhill from there. First he would say, "yeah that sounds just like me." and then he'd say "but I don't see a problem, if people weren't like this I'd probably hate them." So it was really incredibly apparent that he deeply believed a lot of his codependent behaviors were valuable, and that they weren't causing any problems. I pointed out all the problems that I knew of, and he made excuses for all of them. So I simply said, "Well, that's fine then. There are consequences either way, codependent or not, and it's your choice as to which you'd rather suffer through. But if there is anything you do, buy that book and keep it under your bed or something just so you have it if and when the day ever comes that you are in over your head." He seemed to want to continue to justify things to me, maybe because he knows I am in recovery for this very pattern of behavior -- and thus my approval of him and his choices is missing in some respects, and that is how he feels love (at least partially).

The bottom line is I really don't know what is going on with him, other than that I see so many of his actions as having total disregard for his own well being and totally ruled and dominated by a bunch of people in his life that don't exactly have his best interests in mind -- or can't really know what's good and right for him because they are not walking the earth in his shoes. This makes me deeply sad. Deeply sad. I so appreciate this man's talent and perspective, and I genuinely feel that if these things are not choked out completely by the weeds of codependency, they will still lack the room to blossom and he'll end up looking back with regret and sorrow, or worse, a belief that he never would have made it anyway or that he didn't have the talent or the personality to begin with.

All this reminds me of my own codependency and how important it is to keep working, lest I lose my zest for life permanently and become a marionette in the hands of children.

I'm happy to be alive.

And this is something I am grateful for, among many other little things in my life of late. For me, it is something of a minor miracle to be able to say that with confidence. I've never really been suicidal or anything so scary, but I have always been the kind of person that whispers to herself: "Why me?" or presses the sleep button five or six times before facing the day. I still struggle with depression and fear among other things... but in week five of my recovery from codependency and multiple addictions, I am finally in a place where despite the world, I want to live.

I am seeing clearly -- all of the wonderful, beautiful aspects of my life. Who God has grown me to become, despite so many terrible circumstances. I want to see this process through. I want to experience God's love in every way possible, and take full advantage of the opportunities He has given me. I want to see others do the same. But most of all - I don't want to be controlled by the world. I don't want to be driven insane by my circumstances. I don't want to be the victim. I don't want to be at the mercy of my friend's and family. I don't want to wake up and look at my life and start to get sick.

And for the most part, I haven't. I stood up for myself and made some boundaries, I chose not to go to Oregon to visit my grandparents, and inevitably, my father. Why? Because despite having not seen them, and the offer to pay for my plane fare... it was evident to me that they didn't respect what I had been through as a child. They don't care about my mental and spiritual well being, and, it is really clear by their words and actions that the purpose of me going out there is to relieve guilt or shame on their part, and you know what? I don't live my life like that. I don't associate with those kinds of people. It's okay that I'm sad about all the things that happened in my life. It's okay that I think my dad is a dirtbag and want nothing to do with him. I'm not about to start fights, and in actuality, I am working toward a really sincere forgiveness because I do not want to be (see above!) a victim! I certainly do not need to go alone to be with people I barely know, who have demonstrated their carelessness and selfishness, especially during a time that is incredibly inconvenient for me.

I'm glad that I could make the call and say "NO." That I took the power, AND the responsibility for my own health and happiness.

Lacking.

I confess, I did not meditate this morning. It is something that must be done before bed, however. I am greatful for today. I spent it with my brother, got to do a little shopping and ended up getting a great deal on some clothing for a new job I *may* possibly be getting, or else it will be good for the future when I interview and eventually land a more professional job.