Lonliness

I have been doing a whole lot of work -- started up therapy again with a woman who sees right through me and is really wise. I have come to known where I've fallen short, or where I've decieved myself -- but most of all, where I've underestimated myself and shortchanged myself. I am really proud and happy of my progress, even if I don't feel that way today.

Today, I am lonely. I am lonely for people I don't know. People I who I'm not sure even exist. I am lonely for a man who will love me the way I am, despite my battle with distorted thinking. Someone who I can partner with, who can remind me when I am a little crazy, who sees right through me, who enjoys my company and lets me know. Someone who will play with me -- I don't mean in the dirty sense, but in the childlike sense. Someone who is really enthusiastic about experiencing life with me. Witnessing new things and old miracles. Watching time pass, being silly, being serious, being sad.

I am lonely for family that is warm and compassionate and accepting. Family that cares about how I really feel and think. Family able to detatch and not take my ever move personally, and family who I am able to detatch from and feel independent of. Family that doesn't suck me in, tie me down, scare me, or make me angry.

I am lonely for my self - the self that prays every morning and night, who does her chores and isn't afraid to face the day. The self that is secure in her own self-understanding and love. She makes her own supper and does't depend on anyone do get things done for her -- all without exhausting herself. I am lonley for the person in me who can set boundaries and stick to them with courage and determination.

I am lonely for a friend who knows these things too. Who can see how hard it is for me, who pushes me but loves me too. Someone who doesn't try to fix it or change it, but is happy to see me overcome and conquer just the same. Someone with good ideas, imaginitive, again-- someone who will play. A friend who would rather talk about wonderful places and people than gossip about horrible people and uncomfortable, scary places. Someone who speaks the truth, but with kindness. A courageous, independent, positive, but sensitive person. Someone creative and awesome.

I want to be specail to someone, to be wanted, and to be cherished. I don't know why this is important to me, and I know that even when I have been that special to someone I have been too blind to even see it. So it makes me think that such a desire is worthless and silly, yet still I have it. Maybe I was right all along, and the one person who I believe did want me and cherish me didn't really, and it was about something alltogether different. Sick people tend to make friends with other sick people, so what's to say it was all my thinking and not his too? Maybe I'm just there to make him feel better, and while he appreciated it in his own way, it never was real love and I should have trusted myself from the beginning. Maybe I am just making all this up because I feel very sorry that I am not wanted by this person any longer.

You know, just a moment ago I was musng: "I wonder, I should ask him-- what could I do to get him to want me again?" And then I thought of my relationship with my mom, and how with all of my clever analysis, I have never been able to do anything to keep her love in the way I needed it. I realized quite quickly -- within five minutes or so, that this was unhealthy thinking and it wasn't about what I could do. It IS or it ISN'T - one of the few things that are black and white: someone loving you for who you are. There really is no inbetween.

I learned this from someone who I cared for once -- I didn't love him for exactly who he was, and tried to love him all the same. It didn't work, and he was able to share this wisdom with me: I'm hoping to find someone who I love like I love you, but who loves me back without exception exactly as I am." It shocked me at first, to realize that I hadn't loved him as he was -- and that trying to be more than just a good friend was really really really selfish, silly, and maybe a little codependent. I know his journey to that discovery was really painful, so I won't expect anything different from mine.

But the reality is: I am lonely, and I want to be loved.

-

Broken broken broken broken broken broken broken.

Deal Breakers.

I have entered into a cycle of confusing self defeating thought and behavior. I clearly documented my experiences in my former relationship, and over time came to a conclusion that at the time I felt was unavoidable. The deal was broken. After some denial and avoidance, I freaked out. I got angry. I chose to act out in response to my fear, anger, frustration, and sadness. Immediately following that experience, I fell apart. I felt like I was crumbling inside. I felt ashamed, desperate, and lonely. I remembered all of the strengths of our relationship, and then I remembered the reason why I chose to end it. My confidence now in ruin, my judgment now in question... I started asking the question of whether or not I was wrong to have left him.

I was incredibly close to marriage. He appreciate me creatively, had a beautiful and stunning mind, had a brilliant imagination... he was kind, had integrity. He did do sweet things. But he kept his home in a state that disturbed me when I was there. There were key moments when I felt like I wasn't appreciated, wasn't worth the effort to do romantic and surprising things. I wonder if these moments resulted from my perfectionism or unhealthy expectations, or if they were legitimate criticisms.

I don't really have to ask this question seriously, because I remember enough to know that there were real problems. The real question was: could he change? Was he working on it? How important are those issues really? And if it's true that these issues really are deal breakers -- then why am I so devastated by this loss?

Was it that I trusted him, and the deal breaker ended up with me feeling less disgusted than abandoned, and that reopened a pretty serious wound from the past? Was it that I was so close to marriage (and presumably family with children, which I desperately want)? There is this nagging feeling I have that makes me ask myself why this ever became so complicated to begin with. The central conflicts were so simple, and maybe that's why I find them so devastating. It still keeps me in a state of disbelief. How could someone let these things get to such a point? And if it does, by some misstep or miscalculation of your life, then why not make some changes as soon as you realize it? In this case, it was seriously a matter of spending two-four consecutive hours armed with a plan and some basic cleaning supplies. Or it was about facing a bout of laziness or mild discomfort to take the love of your life to a fireworks show (that presumably we both would have loved). It's so stupid, I feel like I must have some kind of issue with being overly critical that these petty things would matter. At the same time, if these are such simple things to manage, then there is no logical justification for why there is a deficit in this department. What to do? Read? Go to therapy? Go to meetings? I guess so.

In the meantime, feeling lonely and vulnerable is not fun.

Mourning

Love is not a feeling.

Love creates a feeling as a result of actions taken by the person doing the loving, or the person receiving the loving.

Love is not like. Love is not fondness, infatuation, attraction, being keen on... It's none of those things. Love is behavior. Love is something that exists outside yourself.

Love is not something you can lay claim to without evidence in action. You cannot honestly nor accurately say that you love some one when the person has not been the benefactor of loving actions. You can not love some one from the other side of the world without tremendous self-sacrifice and a lot of money.

St. Theresa did not say "I love the little orphans" and then go on to live a cloistered life spending a small portion of her time serving them. She spent her life, risked her health, and dedicated all her efforts to the service of those she loved.

Love is not kissing someone. Love is not sex. Love is not thinking fondly of someone.

Love is cleaning your house because it'll make all the other people who live in it comfortable and safe. Love is paying attention to needs and doing your best, when you are able, to meet those needs even if it isn't fun or easy. Love is without ego. Love is not prideful. Love is not lazy.

The only kind of love that conquers all is perfect love -- love is like hard and grueling work. Love is not a walk on a sandy beach, nor is it a romantic picnic under a moonlit summer sky. Those things are merely celebrations of love, or they are charades -- they are something more sinister-- they masquerade as love to those without discerning hearts and wisdom.

Do not, do NOT, DO NOT say "I love you." It is worthless. It is all a vanity. If you love, then you DO, you do not say. Words are meaningless. You cannot make an argument for love. You cannot prove love with logic.

When shakespeare wrote his sonnets, he was not speaking. He was giving. He was giving the world, or his beloved, or perhaps himself a gift. He was an intensley creative man. To create takes great effort and discipline, and to create for some one else is ten times harder than if you would create for yourself. To write a sonnet or a poem, to make a piece of art or to write a piece of music for someone else is an act of love because it is an act of creation, a giving of a piece of yourself, giving of your time and talents... provided you don't do a half-assed and shitty job. Just like every other action under the sun, this one can be judged by motive.

When someone prepares their home for you, they are loving you. They are creating a place for you to be comfortable. A sight and smell for your eyes to enjoy. They are sharing their space, their possessions, their freedoms with you. They are paying for your well-being.

When someone surprises you, they are loving you. They have taken the time to watch you unselfishly. They have taken the time to CREATE a plan, to provide you with joy, entertainment, and perhaps something more.

When someone stays home to care for you because you are sick, they are loving you. When your parents let you sit in jail overnight for a DUI, they are loving you. When they take away the internet, or keep you from dating a particular guy... they are very likely in the midst of loving you.

But when they give you candy to stop crying, or bail you out, or pay your fines... or when a man gives you flowers after a fight, or writes a letter after you dump him... or when your husband gives you a speech and outlines how he has loved you, or your boyfriend presents every argument... or when a man tells you you're pretty -- DO NOT for one minute believe you are being loved. Maybe you are being appreciated, manipulated, placated, bribed, convinced, lied to, or liked... but you are not being loved.

Love lost.

So I got to thinking, as I often do, about losses. First it started with a conversation. I had called my Grandmother on the phone, as I do often, to inquire about my Grandpa's upcoming doctor appointments. We talked a bit, and I mentioned my Father and got to talking about a situation that happened a couple of months ago, and how I basically said my final "goodbye" to him in a matter-of-fact e-mail. Then I got home, told my mom about how I deleted a friend from my facebook friends lists for being a "rasty moron," and went on to check MySpace and all that other internet crap to see whats going on with my "world." I thought about my ex, who had posted some new blogs... which I read, and was kinda shocked by.

I realized that I haven't really done much about the break-up. I haven't really cried it out -- and I wonder what that's about? I loved- or continue to love him, and I remember being so heartbroken a multitude of times when he failed to meet some of my most basic needs and expectations... So why is it that now that its all over with do I sit here in a kind of blank indifference? Same thing with my Father. I cried over some of the terrible things he said to me, and over being abandoned once, and over the stress of having to make the choice of whether or not to see him again... but I never cried about the loss. I figured that was because I had cried about the loss before -- when it actually happened. But it comes up, often times, in recovery (or out of recovery, when I am being delinquint) how seriously affected I have been by the loss, and that really, this loss left some huge gaping hole in my heart that a few tears and some acknowledgement haven't been able to heal -- or even hasten the healing.

So here is this guy... that I spend a fair amount of time either thinking negative things about, or ignorning all together, that I once loved for about a year and four months of my life. A guy who I really thought I was going to marry -- and who even after the break-up I'd have dreams or childish thoughts about (such as "I wonder if he'll donate his sperm so I can have a child with his genetic information?"). Yeah. Totally freaky stuff. I think about his family sometimes, and that makes me really sad... I miss them. I worry a lot about what they think of me. I felt so at home with them.

Most of all though, once I start thinking about it... I'm still angry. Totally and completely enraged (that is when I am not in denial or avoidance)! I mean seriously... Here is a smart, creative, passionate, spiritual guy who is fun to be with... but so lazy he can't even keep his home even moderately clean. He hasn't hired someone to compensate... he's tardy and truant and absent from his son's life, so much so that I've forgotten he's supposedly a "father" many times (not to mention how angry this makes me due to me projecting my experience with MY father onto the situation), and he's lazy with his relationship with God... and worst of all, lazy with me. I seriously loved the guy! I thought he was really cute, even though he was a little chubbier than I would've liked. I could deal with that if I knew he was living a healthy lifestyle, and I could even deal with cheating the healthy lifestyle thing if it weren't for all the other utter failures.

A mature person, in my mind, is one who 1.) Knows their skills and talents and has/is working on getting a job that takes advantage of them, especially when they have some of the resources to make that happen. If not, they should have some kind of hobby that makes use of these things. 2) Can keep their home clean, their bills paid, and their personal responsibilities cared for. 3) Is a dedicated participant in a relationship with a higher power -- AND is in dedicated relationships with friends and family, doing such things as sending gifts, offering comfort, making some small sacrafices, appreciating, etc...

What good are you as a person and to the world if you can't make use of yourself in a meaningful way, if you don't care for yourself and what you have, and you are one-sided and ineffective in your relationships? More importantly, what business did I have dating somebody who was like this? Maybe this is why I don't mourn... because I feel stupid for having been in a situation with someone like this and not knowing it until a whole year later.

Alone.

For lack of proper memorization of the bible, and for tired eyes, I am going to grossly paraphrase something that Jesus said. That basically, we who follow Him and his ways will be hated, like he was. It's difficult for me to accept this and apply it to my own life, because first of all, if this were true, then it would mean I was doing a good job of following in His footsteps. Perhaps not -- perhaps the Spirit has made me able. At any rate, it seems like too much an honor, too much a blessing, too self-focused to claim such a thing.

But I do feel hated right now. Not hated as in... say someone throwing rocks at me, or telling me to my face they wish I'd rot. But slowly now I've began to lose friends. Some, because I realize the type of people they are and their values strike such a stark contrast to my own, and I feel false and intimidated in their presence. Some because they are selfish, sick, lazy, or rude, and I simply don't wish to enable them or reward them for such behavior (and because I don't want to be a victim). Some, I'm afraid, I've actually offended and scared off by being more vocal lately.

I am still debating whether or not calling my best friend out on some blatant lies he believed about himself was right or not. I am trying really hard to depart from advice giving, and also trying to discipline my tongue. There was something so infuriating about that conversation with him, though... because at first it was an outright confession to a specific type of detrimental behavior. Something I am quite familiar with. Codependency, actually... here's a talented, creative, hillarious, kind and intelligent young man trying to convince himself he is happy to throw away whatever dreams and aspirations he might have for his overbearing, alcholic father and his (likely equally codependent) mother. I used to think it a sweet thing that he would jump at the chance to help a person. A real kind guy, I thought. Someone with compassion. Until he'd do things for people he never wanted to do, or end up in situations where he was being used. He's tired, feels like a failure, but still - the over-arching theme is "I must please others." He hasn't the slightest idea of how to do otherwise. So we had a conversation about this, it came about by me sharing my struggles and him asking more about codependency. As I described the charactersitics, he said, "that's me, but I don't think it's bad." So I pointed out how he had, at numerous points in his life, suffered greatly for his codependent beliefs. I simply retold many of the memories I had of times that he had been hurt, even devistated by his dependence on approval. He would agree, but continue to make excuses. All I'd do is point out where he was lying to himself and attempt to end the conversation. Here I am needing to fix him, and here he is needing me to approve of him. Well I didn't fix him, and he never got me to approve... so here we are in an awkward situation of a fairly fractured relationship.

I think in more ways than can be accounted for by this conversation. There were issues in the past about unrequieted love... and now my realization that perhaps the reason we had such a strong bond was because we were and are both rediculously codependent.

The next friend I scared off is a great intellectual friend of mine, who as it turns out, is insufferably liberal (from my perspective). There is this giantic divergence of thought, to the point where we are both disgusted with the idea that anyone could see the world from such a perspective as the other. This is hard for me, because I don't want to be elietist or stubborn or self-obsessed or self-righteous or arrogant or whatever it is that people are when they believe so strongly in something that they cannot be persuaded otherwise. There are times in history when this has been a good thing... and times when it has been bad. How the hell will I ever know if I am actually right or wrong? All I can do is use the brain I have in the ways I know, and in the ways it works, and trust in what makes sense to me after I've made my own careful analysis of the situation.

I don't believe in just throwing my values to the wind and tolerating every last thing that floats by. I doubt even those who tout the fairness doctrine or tolerence in its purest form would either. There are folks who think Christianity is absurd, and other folks who think conservatism is absurd, and folks who think alien spaceships and those who believe they've been inside one before are absurd. And some of those people are deciples of fairness and tolerence. No. I want nothing to do with it. That's right -- nothing.

I'll go with love and respect, human dignity, and other Christian principles. Justice... mercy... compassion... sacrafice. But not blind tolerence, and not "fairness" (which is totally relative anyway). Those who say tolerence and fairness are Christian principles, in my mind, are totally misinformed and may want to go back to reading their bibles on a fundamental level -- something which I need to do as well. Perhaps I am out of whack and have no idea about anything... but then, that'd be me, and I can't be anything but (so I've discovered). To thine own self be true, as Shakespeare said.

Personal Fulfillment

I wrote a letter to a Christian leader recently, with many questions, and I was met with a fairly unexpected reply. That I should become involved within a ministry and see how I can meet the needs of the community, rather than concern myself with how the community might meet my needs.

Why this wasn't clear to me from the beginning, I do not know. I am convicted of the fact of my self service. But I can't say that this is the entire picture. One of the things I am learning throughout my journey and struggle with codependency, is that it is right and essential to take responsibility for yourself, and to find a way to get your needs met. The reality is, I have needs. Spiritual, emotional, intellectual -- and my relationship with a Church must be a two way street. Otherwise what happens? I expend all my energy in service only to find myself exhausted, potentially victimized or taken advantage of, or simply empty. I am of the opinion that if people fall away from the Church, this is probably why. The reality is, that while the Church has a responsibility to take care of its community (of which I would be a part of), it cannot always do this well, or to the level that an individual might need. It still comes down to the individual's responsibility for themselves and their well being -- even their rightness with God.

So on some level I absolutely MUST ask the question of "are my needs being met?" or "will my needs be met?" and then figure out what exactly the Church's role ought to be in relation to my particular need. I have no issue at all recognizing my skills and abilities, and making them fully available to those who need and want them. When I determine that I am in a safe, healthy, right place, then I can commit to extending charity.

Is this selfish? Does this fly in the face of sacrifice? Jesus just served, didn't he? On the other hand, he did seem to take care of what he needed to do. For instance, he would take rests, or pray, or pay visits, or retreat when he needed to. The story of Mary and Martha is another example of this. One woman needed to listen to Jesus, the other felt compelled to clean. There was conflict, but Jesus basically shared that they should not be concerned with one another's choices, or that they should be more sensitive. Two people may experience different needs, and the necessity to behave in a particular fashion is relative to multiple factors.

The internal conflict which sparked these responses and thoughts has been something I have been working on understanding for a while, and wrestling with most recently. I feel called to ministry, or seminary of some form. I do not feel that I need to become a Church leader, or that it is even my calling... In fact, there is a whole lot I do not know. Here is what I do know, however.

First, I am compelled to serve God.
Second, I am dedicated to serve in truth, with humility, to the best of my ability so help me God.
Third, I am a gifted artist and writer.
Fourth, I am a woman, and my options for a paid position within the Church are seriously limited, especially when considering the denominations I am most interested in currently.
Fifth, I must be financially responsible. I have debts to pay for my college education, and must be able to support myself in the future. As an American, the experience of being a "stay at home mom" is currently extremely rare, and in most cases, financially impossible.
Sixth, I enjoy working. Working teaches me more then leisure, I want to contribute to the world I live in.
Seventh, I am compassionate and loving.
Eighth, I am human, am aware of my fallen state, and am committed to growing spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually in a healthy, Godly way.
Ninth, I believe in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, the son of God, his virgin birth, suffering, death, and resurrection, as it is described in the Nicene Creed.
Tenth, I want my work to be Christ centered. I do not wish to divide my time between secularism and Christianity.

So, for the million dollar question... where do I belong and what do I do with my life? The answer for now... keep asking questions, live one day at a time, and in the long term... finish school. :)